Designing My Own Life....One Woman's Journey with Breast Cancer

Happy Anniversary to Me!

2008-04-27T22:06:00.000-07:00

One year ago today I was diagnosed with Invasive Lobular Carcinoma. Who knew that despite the mountain it would create in my life that it would present me with many gifts. Some of those gifts are: knowing that I am truly loved, a new hairdo, bigger boobs, a sense of gratitude that I can't even explain for each day, the release of fear that held me back, new adventures, new friends, clarity on what is not working in my life.

When I reminded my husband that today was the anniversary of my diagnosis he said "is that really a day you want to celebrate?". My answer to that is yes. Cancer changed me, it closed some doors and opened many others. My new and "improved" life is just beginning. I am a changed woman and I am grateful.

It's a great day to be alive.
Peace.

Timing is everything....

2008-03-26T13:03:00.000-07:00

I had surgery on Monday and really this surgery was minor compared to what I've already been through. I was at the hospital by 6:30am and was ready and prepped by 7:30am. The Anesthesiologist was a little scary. He was an older man who was really into Mickey Mouse. He even had mickey ears on the head scarf he wore. He didn't seem thrilled with the healing affirmations I asked him to read and started talking about a catheter and how he might have to put one in. This made me nervous. It was like he had his own agenda that was totally different from mine. When Eileen, my OR nurse, wanted to wheel me into surgery I would not go until I had seen Dr. K. He breezed in at about 8:05am.

I think part of it for me was a need to see a reassuring face. We went through my concerns, he held my hand and said that the Anesthesiologist was not one of his guys but was instead someone that my insurance company had sent. We joked about the fact that the interns who were assisting him didn't even have wrinkles around his eyes.

I was wheeled into the OR fully awake and quite frankly I believe this is cruel and unusual punishment. I had already had 30 minutes to think about what was coming and at several points got emotional and started crying. Once I moved onto the operating table I was out fairly quickly. It looks like they inserted some additional IVs once I was under because my hand is all black and blue and there are multiple stick marks.

I awoke in recovery and felt pretty good, not nearly as beat up as I did when I had surgery in September. I drank some apple juice and once this happened was on my way to being discharged. Greg brought me home and I slept most of the day away.

Monday afternoon I awoke and found a letter from an organization called Casting for Recovery. I have been awarded a full paid spot at a 3 day retreat in May. This group works with breast cancer survivors and teaches attendees fly fishing. I was excited about this because it fits into my plan of looking for opportunities to be outside of my comfort zone.

Monday evening was uneventful until the phone rang at 12:30am. Greg said he had a problem, his car had been stolen. His beat up 1997 Honda Accord was not pretty nor in great shape but the reality is that it was ours and it was paid for and it got Greg where he needed/wanted to go. Quite a bit of personal information was in the car including keys to my house. It's amazing what the ripple affect on this has been. I have a locksmith here right now rekeying the locks to my home so I can sleep knowing that someone can't walk in with the key. Reality is that if someone wants to get in they will but at least I don't have to worry about them scoping it all out.
The car had been parked in front of the Wild Wild West and was there for 30 minutes or less. According to the police the 1997 Honda's are the #1 stolen vehicle in Las Vegas. They are so easy to steal the thieves only need a screw driver to drive them away.

I'm trying very hard to ride the wave of this chaos on the aftermath of my surgery. And while I am grateful for the fact that I am moving forward I'm frustrated today. This is a time of transformation but it feels like it will be an expensive transformation at that.

Today the bandages came off and I was able to shower. My new breasts look quite good. The implants are much more comfortable than the tissue expanders and I love the fact that my skins does not feel so taut. I'm a little sore and my biggest challenge other than remembering to breathe is to not overdo it. Guess it's time for a nap as soon as the locksmith leaves.

It's still a great day to be alive. Peace.

Perfection in the Imperfection

2008-03-23T14:53:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy week. Late Tuesday afternoon I received a letter from my HMO telling me that my next round of surgery had been approved. When I called Dr. Khiabani's office early Wednesday morning, I was informed that I was in fact approved and scheduled for surgery on Monday morning at 8am. I have to admit that I felt a little shell shocked. I figured it would happen beginning of April but wasn't at all prepared for the fact that it would happen 5 days after approval. Instead of hanging on tight for dear life I decided to let go and say YES! I've spent the next 4 days trying to reschedule and rearrange my life so that I can be down for as long as is necessary. This is a skill that breast cancer has lovingly taught me - the ability to give myself permission to be down when I need to and not feel guilty.

I'm not really sure what to expect this time and that always makes it hard for a control freak. While I've certainly gotten better at letting go and riding the wave going into the unknown is always a learning experience. I've decided to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I've been told that this surgery will be minor compared to what I've already been through. The tissue expanders will be removed and the silicone implants will be put in. Dr. K. will cut on the same incisions that were created by Banich in the lumpectomy and mastectomies. I will go in tomorrow at 6:30am and will be home by Monday afternoon. I will be up in a few days and by the end of the week back to my normal routine minus any exercise that will stress my pectoral muscles. This will be off limits for the next 3-4 weeks.

I've spent some time online looking at pictures of reconstructed breasts wanting to really understand what I can expect. The reality is that while Dr. K. may be the best plastic surgeon ever I will always carry scars with me. And that's OK. I realized as I was sitting in church at Easter Service today that there is a kind of perfection in imperfection. If you look at the story of Mary Magdalene, she was searching for the Lord but didn't recognize him when he came to her and asked her why she was weeping. Often we look for Source in all the wrong places and when it's staring us in the face we miss it. I think Breast Cancer has certainly taught me this. It's all part of the divine plan - my life has not certainly taken a path that I expected but in this imperfect journey I have gained so much and changed so much.

I don't celebrate Easter but I do celebrate the birth of Spring. For me Easter and Spring are one and the same - a time of rebirth, renewal, new awareness, the promise of life. And so I look to this surgery with hope - it's a re birthing process for me. The skin has been stretched and my breasts will have a new life - they will be fake of course but they will be mine. I've earned them and designed them to my own specifications.

I've realized that I've almost reached the top of my breast cancer mountain and I'm starting to get a view of the valley below. It's breathtaking and magnificent! I am in awe by how far I have climbed. How did that happen? By putting one foot in front of the other and just climbing the next part of the trail I've almost reached the top. How glorious is that? This surgery is just another step on the trail.

So how can you support me during this time? Hold me in the light! I know that all is well and there is nothing that I need to do but allow this process to occur and know that everything is happening for my highest and greatest good. I trust that Dr. K. will be divinely inspired to help me create the most beautiful reconstructed breasts ever. These breasts are a symbol of my journey. I am held in the invisible hands of the divine and all is as it should be.

It's a great day to be alive! Happy spring. Namaste.

Jubilant Journey...

2008-03-14T17:42:00.000-07:00

Where are you going? What is your destination?
Life is for journeying, not to stand and stay.
Life is a highroad. Life is for elation.
Walk through the wide doors, heart, be on your way!

Life is unfoldment. Life is a foment
Of thought and act and feeling. Life is
for growth.
Life is for forever. Life is for the moment.
Life is for living. Heart, be not loath.

For the jubilant journey! Give yourself to living.
Life is for discovery: Life is always new,
Not for the having and holding, but for giving.
Give yourself to life, and life will give itself
to you!

--James Dillet Freeman

Caution....Under Construction

2008-03-12T15:15:00.000-07:00

My whole life is under construction. Not only am I in the midst of designing my own life and figuring out what I want to do with the rest of my life, my body is under construction as well.

Several weeks ago when I went to put on my mascara after not wearing any in a while I noticed that I only had 3 eyelashes left on the bottom of each eye. Then on Sunday morning when I was getting ready for church I noticed that all of the lashes in the bottom were growing back and they were tiny little pieces of lash. I think that was harder to put mascara on than the 3 long lashes.

While primping on Sunday my kids also pointed out lovingly that a large patch of my right eyebrow was missing. I guess this would make up for the patch on the left eyebrow that fell out and is now growing back. Nature is so symmetrical! What happens to one side must happen to the other I guess.

My hair is growing in nicely and I've decided that I really like it very short. It's very striking and very easy to take care of. I'm toying with the idea of keeping it this way for a while. Time will tell and I do reserve the right to change my mind. Perhaps I'm being influenced by the 80 degree weather we've been having.

I saw Dr. K on Friday and all looks good with my tissue expanders. We are ready to move forward on implants, the next step. I told him that I really wanted 450cc implants but wasn't willing to go through the pain of expansion. He said he could put 450s in but that they would be hard and tight and not as realistic. I've opted for the 400s because realistic is important to me. So my construction continues. I'm waiting to hear back from his office with a surgery date once they get the OK from insurance. Dr. K. says this one is a breeze compared to what I've already gone through and said I should be up and about in a week or less. He also lovingly reminded me that none of the scars I own he gave me. He hopes to use existing incision marks to cut me open once more. I am prayerful that HPN will be quick to give approval and I will have surgery sometime in April.

The road continues to be bumpy but not nearly as bumpy as before. It's a great day to be alive. Peace.

Sucking the marrow out of life...

2008-03-08T11:42:00.000-08:00

I have not posted in a while because I have not had much to say. I have been very busy living my life and trying to figure how what kind of life I choose to create as a breast cancer survivor.

My amplichip test came back showing that I was an intermediate metabolizer. This meant I was a bit slower than normal (extensive) metabolizers but the long and the short of it is that the Oncologists don't know what this means if anything. I used a new technology and there isn't any recent data to show if a lesser dose for a person in my situation will do just as well as the standard dose of 20mg. So....I chose to start the tamoxifen and am taking 1 pill of 20mg per day. My hot flashes have come back since beginning the Tamoxifen but they are manageable although uncomfortable.

So what have I been doing? I have been mothering myself and my children. Finding ways to "do" life instead of just talking about the things I want to do. I have been exercising, cooking some, hanging my laundry on the line when the sun is shining and shuttling kids back and forth to activities. I have been dancing. I traveled to Salt Lake City with Stephen and Katie to attend a Forum and Family Ball. I have been reading and discussing and writing about what I read. I have been inspired to write an article and am getting ready to submit it to an educational newsletter that a friend publishes every quarter. Mostly I have been trying to figure out how to suck the marrow out of each day. How to live it to the fullest so that when my time comes I can meet creator and say with confidence that I used up everything that I was given and used it well. Peace.

Cancer as The Real Thing...

2008-02-03T13:37:00.000-08:00

Today I was sitting in church and had a very metaphysical experience. This in itself is not unusual for me for I am often touched in church by the music or the message which is why I go. Perhaps the music opened me up first for when the women singing on stage sang about looking at a sleeping baby and being rocked in the hands of God I started bawling. My girls of course thought I had lost my marbles and immediately said "Mom what's wrong with you?" Nothing was wrong with me, in fact I was great. The music and lyrics opened my heart and soul in a new way, in a way that often doesn't happen because I am distracted by the busyness of life.

So while the minister was talking I had a thought. Breast Cancer for me was the real thing. It was the good stuff of God because it provided an opportunity for me to open my heart, hands and head to embrace life differently. It was a defining moment in my life. It began a process of transformation - a time of growth and change...a caterpillar transforming into a beautiful butterfly. A young woman claiming her power and creating the life of her dreams.

Understand that I believe we all have these transforming moments in our lives. However, some of us miss them. Why? We get distracted of course. I was fortunate that my beloved Creator chose to knock me over the head this time with a hammer so I'd really see it for what it was. I am transfigured. To be transfigured is to claim the authority of the change now even if it's still in process. And I choose to claim this for myself.

During the last 8 months I've received many standing ovations from my beloved family and friends. My cheering squad was very loud and for this I am grateful because it sustained me at times. We are each one of us special and we deserve a standing ovation at least once in our lives so how lucky am I that I have received more than one?! Yep, Breast Cancer was the real thing...

It's a great day to be alive! Peace, Lisa B.

Happy Graduation Day!

2008-01-30T09:25:00.001-08:00

Yesterday I graduated from active cancer treatment. I had my arm port removed at 8:00am. I was quite nervous when I arrived at 7:40am for my appointment since putting the port in had been more traumatic than I anticipated. When I had the port put in I did not take any drugs and looking back on it that was a mistake. I told the nurse that I wanted something to help me relax but didn't want to be loopy. Apparently they give Valium when they remove the port so I asked for a 1/2 dose. This was perfect for me. Enough to relax me but not enough to make be fight it - control freaks don't do drugs well you know! After they got me on the table and draped me, the Dr. numbed me and then removed the port. I think it took all of 5 minutes. In fact, it took longer to sew me up than to remove the port. The tech assisting was a Philippino woman and she sewed me up with all the sutures on the inside unlike the first time. It will take 7-10 days to heal. I was done by 9:08am.

Who knew that the port was made of Titanium, I didn't. And the catheter portion is huge when you consider that this lays inside your vein. Our bodies are so amazing and treatment can be so hard on them. Be sure to check out the pic I posted.

I am well thanks to a little help from my friends. Last night I throbbed much but today the throbbing has dissipated. I must admit though that I am sore and tender. My poor arm - they used the same incision line so it now has to heal itself in the same place a second time. Of course this will slow me down again but I go back tomorrow to have the dressing changed and I am hoping to get the grren light for getting back on my Yoga mat.

So Happy Graduation to me! I did it. I journeyed into the unknown again, honored my feelings and my body and survived. It's a great day to be alive. Peace.

The cleansing power of the rain...

2008-01-27T13:49:00.000-08:00

We awoke here in Las Vegas to beautiful rain. Actually it had been raining all night. Have you ever noticed that you sleep deeply and longer when it rains? I love going outside into nature and smelling the rain. My kids inform me that it smells so good not because the rain has washed all the dirt and dust away but because the rain actually opens up the spores that have been silently waiting for the rain. Whatever the case, the desert is so beautiful after a good, deep rain (a rarity here in Las Vegas) and I sense that the spring flowering will be extra beautiful this year because of this good rain.

The rain also reminds me of what Anne says in Anne of Green Gables. "Tommorrow is a new day without any mistakes in it." Reality is that each day is a new day and we can take a do over at any time we choose - In the moment, in the hour, in the day, in the month and in the year. But somehow the rain really makes it feel new and fresh. For me the do over is about finding peace amid chaos. I've learned that I'm not good with chaos because chaos means being out of control. I hate being out of control, it's not ordered at all. I've become painfully aware of several things in the last few weeks. 1) I carry a knot around in my body where ever I go, this knot is not a good thing and 2) I've been struggling with the emptiness that I feel now that my life is not laser focused on cancer treatment.

For the last 8 months I've known exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I was either researching my diagnosis, getting second opinions, getting surgeries or having various treatments. That is all over and while I will continue to make some decisions about drugs, etc. most of that is over now. There's been an incredible emptiness that has come with that. My time is my own again and how do I want to spend it. I have striven to keep my calendar open, not quite as open as it was when I was undergoing chemo, but more open than it was before. Time to read, to ponder, to read aloud to my kids, time to be.

In this emptiness I've decided to sit. Knowing that this is a time of transition and shifting and it's OK not to know at this exact moment where my path will lead next.
In addition, I've decided that I must find a regular spiritual practice that will help me release the knot I carry around on a daily basis. This practice is something that I'm committed to doing whether I feel like it or not. The knot was gone while I underwent treatment but it's amazing how quickly it came back afterwards. Perhaps much of it is stress but nonetheless it's disconcerting and brought up many fears that I hadn't gotten the lessons that cancer was supposed to teach me. I so want to get those lessons for I choose a different path for the future - one that doesn't include cancer.

For me Yoga has always been a moving meditation, something very spiritual and energizing, so right now Yoga makes the most sense for me. I'm happy to report that I've been on the mat 6 days this week in addition to doing some walking and some cardio workouts as well. I found a great online site www.myyogaonline.com. It's a site where I can pay $10 per month (that's less than one yoga class) and take all kinds of yoga classes via my laptop. What I really like about it too is that many of the classes are 20 -40 mintues. This is doable in this homeschooling Mom's life. I've been on the mat upon awaking and before retiring. Much of my mat time has been after 9pm after I've tucked the kids in and had a few minutes in the spa to relax my tired muscles. And yet I've managed to be in bed with lights out by 10pm every night this week so I'm getting 9 hours of sleep per night.

And you know what? That knot is not as big since I've been on the mat. My body is hurting because it's being strengthened and moving in new ways. Also it's still healing from surgery and treatment so it complains often but it feels so good to be moving again. I'm very aware that moving my body this way as well as having great cardio health is very much a part of my future. I took this for granted in the past and choose not to do so in the future. I'd have to say that cancer has given me a new appreciation for my beautiful body.

Since it's Sunday, the girls and I went to a new church. We've been shopping for a new church ever since out little church called Barefoot Ministries disbanded several months ago. We revisited the UU church here (we'd checked it out when we first moved here), Church of Religious Science and today we went to the Unity Church of the desert. What a nice energy this church had and the best part is that they have 5-7 young adults that attend services and the RE program there. The reality for me is that I can get what I need at many churches but I'm looking for a church that has a program for my youth. A program that helps them explore who they are, what they believe in and where they stand. A program that will give them the footing they need to stand strong in life. Moreover, I want a program that I don't have to be in charge of since I'm the primary teacher at home. I think we'll be back to this church so we can check it out further.

All in all it's a great day to be alive. The rains have cleansed not only the desert but me as well. I look forward to the spring as I continue to bloom on my journey.
Peace.

Shifting Sands....

2008-01-18T16:17:00.000-08:00

It's been a hard week. We were hit hard by the respiratory infection that we all got last week. The flu like symptoms that hit on Thursday last week moved into cough, stuffy nose and general cold like stuff. By Tuesday I thought we were never going to get better and felt so bad that my kids sounded like barking seals and everything I was doing was not making a difference. Just when I was at my whits end though we awoke Wednesday to everyone sounding so much better, the coughs sounding looser and I knew we had seen the light at the end of the tunnel. Isn't that the way life is though? When we start to loose hope something will shift for us and we see the path again.

I keep forgetting this truth. I've been struggling with life - where am I, what am I supposed to feel and what am I supposed to be doing? My focus was so narrow for so long there is a kind of let down now that the hardest stuff is over. I've climbed the mountain and while I am still navigating my way down the hardest part is over. So I'm struggling. Of course reality is that I am supposed to be being not doing but I'm not good at that part of life. I've become better but I've got ways to go.

Yesterday I saw Dr. Q. My first visit with the oncologist since last chemo. Everything looks good. My blood count is better than last time, on the low side of normal. This would account for why I still feel so tired and have to be careful but compared to where I've been and what my body has gone through I am doing so well. My hemoglobin was at 11, my baseline is 14. It will take time for my body to get back to that place but it will in time. Dr. Q. talked up the Tamoxifen and suggested that I go off the Lupron. She indicated that part of my problems are the lack of estrogen in my body - there is none period - we've turned it off at the faucett. She indicated that Tamoxifen would allow the estrogen to be in the body but would block it from attaching to cancer cells. I'm not sure I buy her story at this point because many women that I've talked to who are taking it have some problems I'm having.

When I had my blood drawn on Wednesday in prep for seeing the Doc I also had the blood drawn for the Amplichip test. This is sent out to specialty labs so it will take about 2 weeks to get the results of this test. I asked Dr. Q. to call me when test results came in so I had time to research before I see her next month. She laughed and said I know. Tamoxifen has such nasty side affects - uterine cancer, blood clots. Meanwhile she has ordered the port to be removed and I am awaiting an appointment. I think I will take the sedative this time since the insertion was so much harder than I expected.

I'm hopeful that next week I will be able to breathe well enough to try exercising again. Perhaps the key is keeping my calendar with lots of open spots so I have time to rest and find a new rhythm. I long for a great yoga class.

My beloved friend Deborah reminded me today that whenever we are shifting in our life it's normally to feel funky and unsure. I have gone through an incredible adventure and the shifts are momentous I'm sure. Perhaps part of this process is allowing time to sort through them. I'll ponder on that a bit longer I think.

It's a great day to be alive. So much and so many to be grateful for. Tommorrow morning the kids and I go to watch the Republican caucus and see what it's all about. Peace.

The Ugly Duckling Phase...

2008-01-13T12:40:00.000-08:00

I've decided that this part of my life is the Ugly Duckling phase. I'm still creating the life I want but there are definite growing pains. For example, my hair is growing back but it seems to me that it's only about 1/3 of what it was before. Greg lovingly calls it the Addis condition. My hair is so thin that you can see my scalp no matter what...talk about looking like my dad - sorry Grandpa Frank but it's true. I also have a lot more gray hairs than I did before and the grays are growing faster than the rest of the hair. In talking to some other women it can take up to 3 months for the hair to really come in and even then there are no guarantees. Apparently one of the chemo drugs that I took (the taxatere) can cause permanent hair loss. While that is not what I choose once again this is unknown territory. When I look in the mirror I am a different woman on many levels. Who am I?

I'm also finding at this stage that I have to crawl when I want to run. We started back up our homeschooling and activities this week. Of course the kids expect me to be 100% but I'm finding that difficult. In their minds chemo is over so what is the problem. My mission is to figure out how to balance mindfully caring for myself verses facilitating the support that the kids need. I had days this week where I did well and other days where I did not do this well at all. All of the helping with schoolwork, household responsibilities, running to activities and general life distractions were too much and I went to bed thinking that I hadn't balanced well that particular day.

I also tried exercising this week. Wow - use it or lose it is so true! My body ached and groaned in ways I haven't experienced in a long time. 25 minutes was a lot for me. I could feel my tissue expanders with every move I made. My arms quivered with each push up I attempted. I was out of breath. It felt good to move but I decided that I have to work into the daily exercise routine. I tried doing every other day and was good until I had a relapse of my bronchial infection later in the week.

And then we all got sick. It started on Thursday when my son complained that he was tired and achy. Before I knew it everyone had a mild flu and I was coughing again. For me it's the same upper respiratory infection that I had after my last chemo. Not as bad as last time but definitely enough to slow me down. And admittedly while I know that physically I have to go slower that pisses me off. My life had been on hold for the last 8 months while I dealt with that "C" thing. Now I want to run. But the reality of it all is that the last 8 months have been my life and perhaps I need to change my thinking and realize that this hasn't been a detour at all but a turning point in my life.

I did move some major chi this week. Greg bought me a new Honda Odyssey minivan for Christmas and I sold my old van on Monday. Posted it on Craig's list and had someone drive all the way from Bullhead City, AZ to buy it. Had been planning on using that $ to buy new furniture for the family room so by that night I had bought a nice set at a scratch and dent place - chocolate brown leather sofa, loveseat and recliner. I like it very much and it felt good to choose my own.

So I continue the journey. Trying to accept and really understand the fact that all is as it should be, that whatever I do or don't do on a given day is fine. My goal is to get to a point where I no longer beat myself up for what I should or shouldn't be doing. I just do and know that it's OK. And I will continue to crawl until I can run. It's a great day to be alive. Peace.

Happy Belated New Year!

2008-01-05T10:14:00.000-08:00

On New Year's Day I thought "Wow, this is the first day of the rest of my life". Of course this set me to pondering about my life and what I'd like to create. I finished my last chemotherapy on Dec. 26th. I woke up that day with a head cold (my kids had been sick the previous week) and wondered if I should take chemo. Of course part of me screamed "don't do it" while the other part said "get it over with". The nurses said provided I didn't have a fever or headache I could still take it. Lucky me!

It went off without a hitch and I felt fine until Friday - 2 days later. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks and I was in bed thinking I was going to die. Each day I got a bit better but it's amazing how slow the body is to heal with all those nasty poisons going in. I didn't have so much nausea but I did develop a terrible rash on my hands that is only now starting to heal. After being in bed for 5 days I did venture out for New Years Eve and rang in the New Year with my beloved friend Tracy and her family and friends in their new home.

On New Years Day I took the girls to see the Met's production of Hansel and Gretel. We really enjoyed it, even more so than the Magic Flute that we saw last year. I love that the Met is now broadcasting via satellite their performances. I"m not sure I would have ever seen an opera otherwise.

Nausea came after New Years but is dissapating now as is the head cold. My goal for now is to rebuild my body and my strength. In speaking to one of my naturopath's he said I want you to go slow, rest, eat well and exercise. It all sounds so easy and there is a part of me that feels like I should be doing more. He said "Lisa I know you, you want to go out and conquer the world right away." And of course he is right, my life feels like it's been on hold for the last 8 months.

Today I exercised for the first time in months - other than walking when I can. I was winded easily and felt very out of shape. I know it will come in time but how frustrating it is. This is the first item on my list for the rest of my life. There are many more and I will share them as they come up.

It's cold, windy and rainy here. I'm off to take my dogs for a run on my bike with my husband. Then clean up my old van to ready for sale since I bought myself a new Honda Odyssey for Christmas with all the bells and whistles. It's a great day to be alive and I choose to live each moment today as if it is my last. Peace...

I'm still here and being persistent

2007-12-07T15:36:00.000-08:00

It's day 2 since chemo #3 and I have to say that so far this has been the easiest one. My Dr. felt that perhaps much of my nausea was due to the fact that I was constipated and trying to eat big meals instead of snacking all day. I had already worked with my naturopath on the constipation thing since it was so painful. This time I've had some nausea but not as bad as the last 2 times so far. I'm trying to snack more which is still a challenge because I don't feel hungry but it must be helping because my stomach is a little less queasy.

Last night I went out and heard the kids perform at their Holiday Choir Concert. By the time we got home I was very tired and had a sore throat but it was nothing that a good night didn't cure. I have to be careful not to overdo I guess.

I spent most of the afternoon today working on the logistics of my neulasta shot. The Amgen reps are prepared to give me the rest of my shots free as a favor to the Pharmacy Services Dir of my insurance company - I guess it pays to be a squeaky wheel -. However, my oncologists office is not cooperating and refused to sign for the shots for me. They claim that 1 they can't afford to "waste 4 samples on 1 patient" and 2 they don't have a license to dispense medicine. What a crock! What do they do with the free samples they get during the course of the year - dispense them. Also what do they call the drugs they give out in the chemo room - dispensing. I called all kinds of folks today trying to find someone who could help me. Finally with my Dad's help (he suggested it - thanks Dad) I got a hold of the pharmacy dir for the pharmacy where I originally got my 1st shot and he said he would be glad to help me. In other words he was more than happy to dispense the shot to me and then have Amgen pay him back. I'm waiting to hear back from him right now so I can get my shot today.

I was going to risk it and not take the shot but I'd really rather not. Dr. Q. said that my bloodwork has been looking so fabulous that I make taking chemo seem easy. It's hard to know if it's the shot or just my good fortune. I am strong, young and in relatively good shape. All of these things I would think count in my favor in terms of my blood counts being up and good.

I am so grateful that I have people in my life who encourage me to keep on keeping on and being persistent. When I joked with a high level Dr. today about the fact that if I was nothing else I was a determined and persistent woman he said "Lisa, you have cancer, you have to be persistent.". Are there any areas of your life where you need to be persistent but are tired? I know I have some of those in my life too. Perhaps we can help each other keep on keeping on. I'll cheer you on and you can cheer me on. You go girl or guy! It's a great day to be alive! Peace.

The Dam finally broke

2007-11-25T14:48:00.000-08:00

Well it finally happened. I broke down over the last few days and cried my heart out. I have to admit that it was probably brewing for a while. We drove to Indio CA for the Thanksgiving Holiday. Went on Wednesday and came back on Friday. Travelling in a confined space with a husband who is not the world's best traveller and my 3 quarrelling kids was stressful. When we left Indio on Friday I felt very taken for granted and was ready to trade my family in for a different one. I know I'm not the only wife and mother to feel this way. The trip home made it worst. I was so frustrated when we got home that I took walk #3 of the day with the dogs to regroup.

Saturday morning I told Greg how I felt about our life together. I believe I was kind and loving but also very clear that I wanted some things to change. Let me be the first to say that I am not bashing my husband here. I value and appreciate him and all he does for our family but there are certainly areas that I would like to see improvement on. I'm sure he has some for me too since I'm not a saint. He left for work very quiet and I spent the day ruminating some more. Clearly our love languages are quite different (evidenced by the man that is here detailing my car now) and that often leads to miscommunication.

My hip has also been hurting me since Friday morning which I think added to the fray. I took too many walks on Friday and then my bike ride on Saturday morning to run the dogs aggrivated it. I've been taking Tylenol because I can't take advil or aspirin right now. Physically I feel old and although I'm staying active I feel like my body has betrayed me.

This morning we had some couple time and the dam finally broke. I hate being in Menopause. I feel so dead inside. I feel like I was just hitting my stride at 42 both in terms of who I am and how I like to be intimate. Just when I was getting it all figured out I take these drugs that suck. I'm never in the mood now, some part of my body is always hurting and I'm tired. I'm angry that this is my life right now. How did I get to this place? Where do I go from here? How do I find the meaning and inspiration in this to live a better life and be more fabulous than I am now?

Clearly having had cancer has given me an incredible opportunity to reevaluate my life - what is working and what is not. And instead of remembering that change is a process like the rest of life I want to see instant results. Yes I admit, I like instant gratification as well as the next person. In terms of the menopause I know that this is just temporary but this morning 2-3 years felt like a long time. Perhaps it's not just the menopause but the chemo as well. Perhaps my body has not had time to find a new rhythm. And really that's the crux of the problem in the marriage department. Whereas before I had a monthly rhythm right now I have none. I feel like I'm spinning in space. My dance with my husband will have to change and quite frankly I'm not sure what that means.

The intellectually part of me knows that I will refind my bearings. This too shall pass. The emotionally part of me though feels very vulnerable and scared. I don't want to be old before my time. I want to be a sexual being as nature intended. I want to feel a rhythm in my body even if it's different. I choose the ability to be active and not to hurt or have to live on advil.

This is all part of that craxy thing called cancer. So today I'm gray like the weather. I think I'll take the advice of the pastor that gave the sermon I heard at church today where I went to see my friend play in her band. I will look at my unrealistic expectations, try to clarify them and turn them into realistic expectations. Then I will with meditation and prayer ask what it is I am here to do right now and who I am to serve. This is what I will focus on. It's a great day to be alive. Peace.

Invocatin to B

2007-11-14T12:16:00.000-08:00

I'm rushing, getting ready for another trip into the unknown - chemo #2 in 45 minutes. $305 mailed today to St. Baldrick's. If you haven't donated yet please do so. You can look for me by name, Lisa B.

Here is the call and response meditation by Janice Brooks.

Invocation to B
CALL: Antenna strands known as Hair
RESPONSE: Carrying messages here and there
C: Standing on end they sometimes say
R: Warning me of dangers coming my way
C: Locks of love, strong and thin
R: Singing sweet music as it blows in the wind
C: Stroked by lovers from birth until last breath
R: History of life's stories, stored till death
C: Styles come and go and yet there remains
R: the light from within flowing thru the brain
C: Smooth and silky to the touch
R: Hallowed and Holy loved so much
C: Moonbeams fly from the souls sacred space
R: Filling my whole body with elegance and grace
C: Round and bald adorns you now
R: Proud and Peaceful to all I bow
C: Sparks and Creation for all to see
R: In beauty I walk, to the new me

I am now completely bald. Deborah shaved me again on Tuesday because the bald patches were hideous and I couldn't stand the way it felt.

It's a great day to be alive. What are you doing today to get outside of your comfort zone? I'm donig chemo. More later. Peace, Lisa B.

Pioneering and a sense of humor

2007-11-08T16:14:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking alot today about being a Pioneer. My oncologists office called me this morning and told me they were unable to put in a prior auth for the amplichip test I asked for because no one has ever asked for it before and they had no CPT code. Without a CPT code they can't put it in the system for the insurance company. I asked how I got one of those codes and although we were on the phone I felt like they were giving me a blank stare. Basically they didn't know nor did they wish to know. What did I do? I started on a quest of course to find out how to get a CPT code. I left a message with my nurse at the breast care center and then called my Dad to ask him who assigns these codes. After chatting with him I called the manufacturer of the drug and have left a message with 3 different departments about how to get a CPT code.

My sense after doing some digging is that I'm the first patient to have asked for this test since it was only approved in June of this year. The manufacturer called me back and said that it has been going on in Vegas and that Quest Diagnostics, the company I do lab work with is in fact doing that. So I called Quest and apparently there is more than 1 test so unless the Dr. calls the pathologist directly we don't know which CPT code is correct. What cracks me up and often frustrates me is that the front office staff is so rude they won't ask the Dr. to call and get the CPT code. You'd think they'd be more compassionate considering the kind of office they work in but I find it to be the exact office. They are some of the rudest people I've ever dealt with. If I can't find what I need before I have chemo next week I'll ask the Dr. to call. It's shouldn't be so hard all of the time.

Pioneering can be exhuasting. I think about our forefathers and all of the pictures I've seen of them where they look so serious and so stern. I have a book that has accounts from women on the Oregon trail. Their lives were so hard and so joyless. A sense of humor when you are blazing a new trail is so vital. How do you cultivate this? Humor has never been one of my fortes, I'm the serious type that takes it all so serious. Always have been. But more and more I am learning to laugh with the help of the universe. Sometimes these people give me the stupdiest answers that I can't help but laugh.

Yesterday I was going to the bathroom. When I pulled my underwear down I noticed quite a few hairs in my panties. Not knowing what to think I pulled on my pubic hair and a whole handfull came out. I started laughing. I'm sorry but Divine Mother has a preverse sense of humor. My hair has started falling out but it's started in the pubic area. How funny is that? It could have started anywhere but it started there.

Of course being the curious person that I am I then pulled on my head hair and a small patch came out. Keep in mind that it's not very long, maybe an eighth of an inch and so it looks like little whiskers coming out. So what I expected has come to pass. My hair is coming out. Pubic, head and underarm. My kids asked me to pull on my eyebrows and eyelashes but I refused as I'm hoping to keep these.

This morning I woke up with little snail trails on my head where the hair is starting to come out. In some ways it would be so much easier if you woke up and your body just ejected it all at one time but that would be too scary I guess. So I will get spottier and spottier as time goes on until I am as smooth as a babys butt. Perhaps my wig will come in handy for a while if I don't care for the spotty look.

I definitely feel like I'm blazing a new trail but I commit to keeping a smile on my face and not taking it all so stern and serious. Afterall, even God has a sense of humor and she proved it to me yesterday. It's a great day to be alive. Peace.

Living at a different pace...

2007-11-07T15:53:00.000-08:00

Much life has been lived since the last time I posted. I saw Dr. Khiabani on Friday and had another fill up. I'm at 350ccs of saline which is a full B cup. I like it but really think if I get to choose that my frame needs a bit more to be in proportion. I am 5'9" after all and very hippy. I have an appointment to get another fill at the end of the month. That's the great thing though about designing my own life - I get to choose. I can get another fill and then if I decide it's too big I can have it taken out. Very cool!

Friday afternoon the girls and I hit the swapmeet and I bought myself a new wig. It's quite mermaidy and I think it looks very good. Wearing a wig is a wierd experience but I decided to wear it to the party this weekend since there will be many people that I do not know. The wig was a hit and the people who know me well didn't even realize it was a wig. That means I chose well because I've met some women that clearly were wearing wigs and I didn't want to be one of those.

Friday night all the kids were gone to various events and I had some time to myself. A family friend also flew into town late. On Saturday morning we dropped all of the kids off at various locations and Greg and I and friend drove to California for a 50th birthday party. We stopped in Mira Loma and I finally got to see the 2nd Fast Lap track there. It's very nice. I can see how Greg and Lew learned so much from the first track here and implemented what they learned on the 2nd track.

The 50th birthday party was lovely. Greg got very emotional and I think it finally hit him that he is no longer 18. I was surprised by his reaction because for me getting older has been a lovely experience. Clearly I did have moments where I felt old. Especially when I saw someone that I hadn't seen in 10 or 15 years and they told me their oldest was a sophmore at UCSB. I was at that kids baby shower. But overall it didn't devastate me the way it seemed to Greg. I wonder if it's different for men than women. Most women I talk to like getting older whereas many men seem to hit midlife and freak out, ditch the first wife, get a 20 year old babe and some sports car. Like changing all of those externals is going to make you happy on the inside.

We drove back from California on Sunday. It was a long drive and I was tired. Got home around 6pm to pick up the kids and then sit down to a family dinner. Of course take out Pizza isn't my favorite but it enabled us to sit down and visit together. The kids and I watched the classic movie Indiana Jones and Greg took friend to the airport. We were in bed by 10pm.

I've been feeling very tired since the end of last week. It's not a depressed tired but more like a fatigue tired. Little things like running to the store to pick up an item or some groceries is killer for me right now. Even 1 stop for 30 minutes wears me out. And if I don't get a nap forget it, I feel like I'm slogging through syrup. I can only assume that this is an aftermath of chemo and that it will only get worse. So...I've been pondering what it means to live at a slower pace. How do I give myself permission to sleep in and nap during the day. How do I give myself permission to say no to the kids more. No we can't go there because I'm tired. It's really about learning to live differently and realizing that this is only temporary. Perhaps if I remember that we are moving into the winter season, a time of hibernation, a time of letting go and shedding old ways that no longer work for us. The days are shorter and the nights longer as we move towards Winter Solstice so that it's easier to sleep and rest more because there is more night.

And yet living slowly can be very challenging at this time of year. I want to craft, bake and make gifts of the season. We didn't even carve pumpkins this year because I was too tired to drive to the store that had the best buy on pumpkins and wasn't willing to pay what my local market was charging. Are my kids deprived? Not by any means. But some of these traditions are being put by the wayside because of my fatigue and I don't have it in me right now to create new traditions. Do I feel guilty? No but I think sad that it has to be this way right now.

I thought that perhaps I could be more active on the weeks where I was more recouped after chemo but now I'm not so sure. This means continuing to ask others for help. How blessed am I?

It's a great day to be alive. The fall weather here is in full swing. Warm days in the 70s and cool nights in the 50s. I love this time of year. Normally I would be putting the garden to sleep, pulling the last of the weeds and trimming all of the trees as they get ready to sleep for the winter. Pomegranites are falling to the ground and I don't have the energy to make jelly or wine. This will have to wait.

It's a great day to be alive. I'm grateful for the opportunity to stay home and raise my children even if I'm not doing it perfectly. I'm grateful for the feel of the sun on my face but most of all I'm grateful for all of the amazing people that grace my life. Peace.

Knowledge is Power

2007-10-31T11:19:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed that it's so much easier to be proactive and the cocreators of our lives when we have knowledge? There is a power that comes from knowledge. I don't mean power in a negative sense but power in that you are rooted in yourself and your intuition and can make choices that steer you on the right course. Let me give you some examples.

1. Today I called the member services department of my insurance company asking some specific questions so I can write a letter of protest regarding my copay on the Neulasta shot. I spoke to Anice. She did not know Dr. Nathan's first name. She did not know how I could contact him. She did not know who sets the policies for the pharmacy benefits of my plan. Her suggestion to me was to contact my sales agent and try to get a plan that didn't have such a high copay for injectables. What a joke! How is it that I know more than she does and she works for this company? This reminds me that it's important to stay informed. To take notes when we are experiencing "situations" in our lives and to ask questions. If I had been sleepwalking through this experience I'd be in trouble right now.

2. Yesterday I was reading an article in Time Magazine about Breast Cancer. It's becoming a world wide issue and breast cancer is no longer a rich white woman's disease. In many 3rd world countries right now Breast Cancer is a death sentenance for women. The $50 or $100 required for a treatment is more than a years worth of pay in some of these places. More and more is happening in the area of DNA research to help with treatment. I learned of a new test that I intend to ask my medical oncologist for. It's called an "amplichip". This test extracts DNA from a blood sample to detect an enzyme that controls the way a cancer drug, Tamoxifen, is broken down. Certain genetic mutations can virtually shut down a cell's ability to metabolize tamoxifen, dramatically reducing the estrogen-based drug's success in containing tumor-cell growth. Screening women for this enzyme is sparing low responders the expense and time that would be lost trying an ineffective treatment. Here's the rub folks. Right now everyone is prescribed chemo, radiation and tamoxifen. But it doesn't work for everyone. I have been told that I need to take Tamoxifen. But what if my body shuts it down? This is a reminder that I need to be constantly reading and researching new information about breast cancer for the rest of my life in order to design my treatment and my life the way I want it. Isn't this then the case in all areas of our lives? If we don't have the right information because we are asking the right questions there can be huge gaps. It's good to see the gaps. But once we see them we need to change direction.

3. I went to have blood work yesterday. I am honored to have to go to a special department of my medical provider for this because I have a port in my arm. Apparently they just don't want anyone to stick me. 2 separate women in this facility told me that I looked beautiful without my hair and said that not everyone could get away with walking around bald and look good. First, this definitely stroked my ego. But one of the gals said something that stuck with me. She said "this reminds me that God knows exactly what he is doing." Then today I chatted with a beloved friend via phone and she told me that someone I respect said to her last week, "I keep hearing about this Lisa. I heard about her 2 times on Monday and then 3 times today. That is wierd! Who is this woman?"

Now keep in mind that this person lives 3.5 hours away from me and we only know each other in passing and by face. But for me what it means is that this journey that I am on is so much bigger than just me. My choices, communications and actions are having a ripple affect and are reaching beyond my local community. It's a reminder that I must have knowledge and look for truths because how I am walking this road has an impact on a larger world. So once again knowledge is power.

I am so grateful to the Beloved Source of all that is for these constant reminders that I am exactly where I need to be, doing what I need to be doing. Realistically I'd prefer to put my head in the sand but these reminders serve to show me that I must continue on and I must do this with excellence. I must be a statesperson because the world is watching how I handle this experience and it's makes a difference. Even if it only made a difference in 1 persons life so what, it matters and could help change the world. This excites me and makes me feel passionate. This is a place where I find joy and I am so grateful. Joy is the nectar of life! It's the reason we are walking in this realm.

It's a great day to be alive. I continue to have Nausea and wonder if that will be part and parcel of the next 3 months. In the past I've only experienced this when I've been growing a child within my womb. There is no baby at the end of this process. So what am I growing now? Is this part of becoming Lisa and the powerful, grounded woman I wish to be? Is this part of becoming more compassionate? Is this part of becoming softer around the edges? What incredible and unknown energy will I birth? Peace.

Oh What a Night!

2007-10-30T14:18:00.000-07:00

I'm back again from outer space. Life has been one wild ride! Woke up at 1:30am to the sound of an explosion...except that we didn't know it was an explosion at first. Stephen and I both jumped out of a sound sleep and when he came running in to ask me what that sound and shake was I told him it must be a sonic boom. A few minutes later we heard what sounded like gun shots. I was afraid to go outside and Greg wasn't home yet. I called Greg and he was on his way home and said "it's probably a transformer". Minutes later another boom and sirens. I called Greg again and said "Get home cause I'm scared". I looked out my window to see smoke. Honestly up to this point I thought someone had gone off the deep end and was murdering their family. Reality though was that a car had been left on the other side of our wall and caught fire. The explosions must have been the gas tank igniting. Was it stolen? Who knows. What is scary to me is that someone left it there on our quiet little road and we didn't even know it. Fortunately no one was in it and the fire department was here quickly and did their job well. I went out the front door in time to see my neighbor heading out the door and joked with him that I thought he'd had enough of his wife. It took about 30 minutes for the fire company to wrap it up and by that time Greg was home. Fire was so hot that plastic bumper had melted into the pavement and they had to pry it up. Boy was it hard to go back to sleep after all that commotion. The kids looked over the wall and then we all went back to bed.

I am doing well. Nausea has been a constant problem for me since Chemo last week. I joked with Greg that I feel like I'm pregnant because I'm naseaous 24/7 and it's worse at night. My naturopath said part of the problem is that I'm not eating enough so that is making the cycle worse. Well I spent $70 at the grocery store last night on comfort foods. At this point I'm trying to eat whatever it takes and not worry about what it is. It's a whole new world for me. Right now all fresh curdles my stomach. 2 current faves are mashed potatoes and texas toast. I'm trying Coca Cola for the stomach and that is helping but no quashing the naseau. I have drugs that I can take but I hate to take them forever. I had to take them for 3 days last week to help after chemo but I don't want to live on them. Perhaps I should start smoking pot! Now that's a picture......

Day 3 and 4 after chemo were the hardest as expected. On top of the upset stomach I had incredible bone aching like I was getting the flu. It was mostly in my hips and my back. The only challenge with this is that it never progressed and hurt 24/7. A few times I broke down crying saying that it sucked and I didn't want to do it anymore but then I picked myself back up and continued on. Taking Claritin for the bone pain helped but didn't cut it totally. Brenda, my sister, has a friend on chemo who said first couple were the worst. I pray that is my case and that it gets easier as time goes on.

If you are reading this blog you saw my new haircut! Bald is beautiful these days. I feel so much better without my hair and it wasn't nearly as traumatic as I thought it was. Stay tuned for link to youtube video. Jan Brooks came and did a lovely ceremony. I was most emotional when we read the call and response poem that she has written on my behalf. I'll post the lyrics another time - it was beautiful and very meaningful. I have a stack of money sitting on my counter from donations for St. Baldricks. If you haven't donated already please do so right away. Don't worry if you can't find my name just share your abundance with a good cause and help me make lemonade.

I don't like the razor stubble on my head but feel certain that this is going to fall off in the next few weeks based on how my head felt after chemo. I'm also getting wierd rashes. Woke up this morning with a rash on my neck from a necklace so had to take it off. My skin feels very different too and I have to moisturize like never before. Where did all of those oils that kept me so young looking go? At least I was oily to start with. I could see that if a woman had dry skin to start and then went through this chemo/menopause thing she would dry up from the inside out. Ugh!

Yesterday I did a class for women going thru chemo. We played with makeup, wigs, scarves, etc. I got tips on how to do my eyebrows if they fall out, importance of eye liner if you loose your eyelashes. I think I'll hit the swap meet on Friday and buy a few cheap wigs just for the heck of it. A friend called and said I could have her pink wig after Halloween. That could be fun. Might be fun to wear at a party or something. I'll play around with my look. Now though I'm sure to wear makeup all the time because there is no hair to look at. Perhaps I'll take some pics and post them with me in all my different looks.

Rode my bike to the gym this morning. Felt good to work out although my arm is still very sore from the port and I can't straighten it out all the way. Stitches were removed yesterday and it felt so good to shower without saran wrap on. The little things that we so take for granted!

It's a great day to be alive and I'm so lucky for all these opportunities to grow. I'll sure have some great stories when I'm an old lady. Make it a good one! Peace.

Another trip into the unknown

2007-10-25T11:40:00.000-07:00

I completed my first round of chemo yesterday. It honestly wasn't that bad other than the sedative they gave me to start because it made me dizzy. Next time I won't have that. I was there for 3 hours all told. Came home and ordered some dinner to be delivered because dizziness made me not want to cook. Marietta came over after work and gave me some Reiki. I felt so much better after that. Did have some naseau last night. Drank some Ginger Tea and was in bed by 10:30pm.

This morning we've taken it kind of slow. I feel a bit off and have some naseau. I've thought about taking some of my naseau meds but it stays it can cause dizziness and sleepiness and I have to drive myself to the Dr. later for my Neulasta shot. My copay on this lovely shot is $1645.00 (yes, that's per shot) but at this price I want to be sure I know what I am doing before I attempt to do it myself. The shot is given in the abdomen and I'm pretty sure I can do it since I'm already sticking myself for the Iscador. I'll also talk to Dr. Q. next week about the difference between Neulasta and Nurpon since Nupron is less expensive.

Got a new book in the mail today. It's called Lean Forward into your Life: begin each day as if it were on purpose. Author is Mary ann Radmacher and I have her Live with Intention print in my family room. She says..."an uncommon life need not include fame or fortune. An uncommon life means living with intention, paying attention, celebrating, taking care of yourself, risking love. To live an uncommon life means to live large from the heart."

It's a great day to be alive! What will you do today to move forward in your uncommon life? For me the next few days are about taking care of myself and I think I'll take a bike ride today and enjoy the bounty of Autumn. Peace.

Did I just have a hot flash?????!!!!

2007-10-23T22:17:00.000-07:00

This morning I ran errands in a mad dash to get ready for tommorrow and my first chemo. I had no idea what to expect so I prepared for the worst. My arm was quite sore from the port procedure (more on that later) but I did it anyway and of course probably over did it. Got home at 12:30 and hurried to get all the groceries and odds and ends put away before toastmasters. At 1:00 I suddenly got very hot and felt like I was going to pass out. I had to sit down for a moment. After I rested a bit I finished up and then went to lay down while toastmasters class for youth was going on. Was this a hot flash? No I told myself I had just overdone it.

Later on this evening the kids and I were finishing up a movie and all of a sudden I got very hot. This is so unlike me, I am always cold. I kicked off my covers, pulled up my pj bottoms into shorts, pulled up my sleeves and got a drink of water. Dang I'm hot! I'm pretty sure this was a hot flash because all I could think about was pulling off my clothes and laying down on the cold tile floor. Could it be something else? I called Greg to tell him and he said "that fast?" I explained that the OB said the shot would take a week to take effect and what else could it be? My next question of course is are these different from night sweats? When I talked to Greg about it he laughed and said "just stay on your side of the bed!" Ha.

By the way we were watching Evan Almighty. If you haven't watched it it's worth the time, funny, a great message and fabulous behind the scenes. The director bought all staff who were interested a bike to use on set to reduce carbon footprint. Then they donated all the left over wood from massive 50 foot arc to habitat for humanity and ten planted nearly 2000 trees to offset their crabon footprint. I was so excited about this because it was so well thought out and showed that you can make a great movie and walk softly at the same time.

Yesterday I had my port-a-cath put in. I had done some research and decided to have it put in my arm. I have to say that while I was proud of the fact that I ventured into unknown territory and survived once again it was not a pleasant procedure at all. Perhaps I should have had the sleepy drugs. In fact I almost did during the procedure. Because my veins are so small they had to use the large brachial vein. It started spasming during the procedure and gushing blood and the Doc couldn't get the catheter in. It hurt so bad I broke down and asked for the drugs because my Yoga breathing wasn't cutting it and I was really starting to tense up. While they waited for the nurse to bring the drugs the doc called out "I got it in, do you still want the drugs?". I asked if it would continue to hurt and he said the hard part was over. I declined the drugs and he finished up. Needless to say I have a hematoma and while the arnica pills and creams helped with the swelling immensely when I got home I looked like I had a tennis ball in my arm. I got to see a pic of the finished product and the wire from the catheter runs all the way down into my chest. How lucky I am!

I had the tech draw a circle around the swelling so if it got worse I could tell. Today I went in to have the bandage changed and the swelling had gone down significantly. I think this is another procedure that isn't much talked about because quite frankly it's not pleasant. They put you in an OR and use sterile procedures to cut you open (they give you a local in about 4 or 5 different places - I'm getting so good at that needle stick thing), they cut the vein and shove a wire in your arm and you are left with stitches and a tiny little port the size of a nickel under your skin. They do this procedure with an xray machine that is taking live pictures. How come they wore coats to protect them but I didn't get one? Kind of ironic isn't it?

I can't imagine what this procedure would have been like if I had done it in my chest. The tech said he thought chest was better but they put you in an uncomfortable position to do it. Nurse said she thought arm was better. Oh well it's done now and in a few days swelling will be gone. Stitches come out on Monday (he couldn't hide them all). Will bathe will saran wrap on till then since it can't get wet. The staff told me that many people with severe forms of cancer get port and chemo the same day. Pray for them because I can't imagine that.

It's a great day to be alive. And while I'm feeling slow and old from my arm I'm feeling strong about chemo tommorrow. A friend has arranged to sit with me for a bit while I'm there so I don't have to be all alone and I got a few packages in the mail from friends today to listen to on my laptop while I'm there. Also rented When Harry Met Sally and You've got Mail to watch in case I need them. Please send me all your love and light between 10:30am and 2:30pm as I expect it to be a long day.
Peace.

Paying Attention!

2007-10-20T11:14:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I visited with Dr. Banich for 40 minutes. The appointment was for a 6 week post surgical follow up but we only spent about 5 minutes on that part. It was interesting to chat with him. He said that he had been thinking about me that morning and was going to call me. He said he laughed when he came into the office that morning and saw my name on his schedule. Talk about serendipity!

We chatted about my challenges with Lupron and getting the OB to do what I want. He indicated that I needed to write a letter to the director of the Breast Care Program and educate them to this treatment and explain that women should have a right to choose chemical oophrectomy vs. surgical. He now has a very clear picture of my mission with the breast care program which cracks me up because mine vision of this is very hazy other than the fact that I have a responsibility.

We chatted too about his experience with Chemotherapy. He told me it was important for me to embrace it and not push it away. By embracing it he indicated that I would fly through it with minimal problems. He had chemo several years ago for bladder cancer and said he would get chemo one day and go into work the next day. We chatted more about his personal experience and he gave me reassurances that I would be OK.

But the biggest contribution that he made to my life yesterday was the comment he shared with me about paying attention. He explained that most people go through life without paying attention to where they are and what is happening. I translated this to mean that his experience with cancer has taught him to live in the moment. Isn't that really the key to life? We don't know what tommorrow or the next hour holds for us. All we have is this moment in time. Who are we with, what are we doing, what do our senses tell us, how do we feel? Being present. We are after all human beings not human doings as an acquaintance recently wrote. Dr. Banich asked me to come back after the first of the year (when I was done with chemo). Before I left I told him about my head shaving party and he handed me a $100 bill as his donation. I left by hugging him and telling him that I loved him and was grateful for all the lessons he shared with me. He hugged me back and told me he had learned a lot too.

Came home to find Greg working on the truck, frustrated that he was spending his afternoon that way. We took a bike ride later in the day with the kids. Needless to say Greg was not up for dancing at all. Bummer. I could have gone by myself but it wasn't that important I guess.

This morning I got a call from an acquaintance who had seen my post about shaving my head and said I was an answer to her prayers. She said she was looking for an excuse to shave her head and wondered if I minded if she did it with me and raised money too. I laughed and told her that would be great. I really am going to get a Tshirt that says "I'm too sexy for my hair" and wear it all the time. I'll be so sick of it after that I can just throw it out.

I rode to the gym again his morning tand did my workout. It's cold and cloudy today so the ride was not quite as lovely as the last few days but I did enjoy the wind in my face nontheless.

It's a great day to be alive. Stop and pay attention to all the little moments today. These are the treasures of life. Peace.

Please sponsor my head shaving party!

2007-10-19T15:52:00.000-07:00

How much will you donate to see me shave my head bald to help find cures for childhood cancer? This is not a rhetorical question. Yes I am going to lose my hair due to chemotherapy but why not take lemons and make lemonade? Isn't that what true happiness is all about?

After talking to many people about shaving their heads with me, I realized that most people don't really want to shave their heads. Honestly who can blame them? I don't really want to be bald either. Thanks to a friend I stumbled upon an organization called St. Baldrick's that raises money for childhood cancer research by having people get donations for shaving their heads. So instead of asking you to support me by shaving your head too....

I invite you to sponsor me to shave my head. I will be shaving my head on Sunday, October 28th. I have a friend lined up to do this, time to be announced later. We are hoping to video tape it and be able to put it on YouTube so you can actually witness the event.

In the meantime please help me make a difference. To learn more about St. Baldricks you can go to www.stbaldricks.org/about-us/index.html. To give online go to www.stbaldricks.org or via phone 888-899-BALD. If you prefer to send the money to me please fill out the donation form and mail it to me along with your donation. I got my first donation today when I shared with my general surgeon what I was doing he handed me a $100 bill. Together I know we can make a difference and make lemonade together.
Peace.

How Can You Not Be Happy Today?

2007-10-19T12:03:00.000-07:00

A busy few days. Yesterday was my 42nd birthday. I woke early expecting a phone call from a dear friend and after a nice visit I rode my beautiful new bike to the gym. I cannot tell you how good this felt. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and I was so grateful to be alive. It was my first time back at the gym since surgery. It felt so good to move my body even though I had to take it very slow. I laughed because I was behind a man on the workout circuit and he had all the weights maxed out and then I had to change them all to 5#s. When he came back around again he probably thought what the heck.

I rode back home and found my home humming nicely. The kids were doing their chores and working on their schoolwork without my yelling at them. I went to my room to find a dozen red roses and a beautiful card on my pillow. For the 1st time in 18 years Greg had it together. The card was written in, signed and the flowers were there before the kids had to remind him. Way to go Greg! I am so grateful for my husband.

I went and did my blood work. 4 separate viles. I'm glad I decided to do the port even though I don't like it because the phlebotomist had trouble finding the vein. She got the butterfly in there and then was moving it all around trying to find the vein. Monday the port goes in at 11am.

I spent the afternoon visiting with Greg, helping with the kids, coordinating their various activites and their tutor and then Greg helped with run kids to activities while I took my girlfriends out to dinner for my annual celebration. This is the 3rd year in a row that I've done this and I find so much joy in the process. 5 of my girlfriends, some old and some new, met at Yassou a Greek food cafe run by a nice Greek family. They had reserved a table for me even though they don't normally do this. (Am I special or what?) We ate, laughed and talked. I took a small bouquet of flowers for each woman wishing them a happy birthday to me and then had little gift bags for them. Inside was a key chain with the celtic symbol for sisterhood, a card game and chocolates - something for the heart, the head and the mouth. I have so much fun picking out the gifts and trying to make it pretty. It's a buddhist tradition to give others gifts on your birthday and I highly recommend it.

This morning I awoke to another beautiful fall day and rode my bike to the gym again. I can't tell you how much joy that is bringing me. Part of it is the weather. But I rode to the gym thinking how can you not be happy today? You have the gift of life, the beautiful sun shining on you, the ability to move your body, the birds singing and the wind in your face. It's a glorious day to be alive and if you are not happy then check your attitude. Thank you God!

I'm off to see Dr. Banich. Greg is off again today, trying to get our truck fixed to pass smog. I'm trying to convince him to do something fun this afternoon with the kids and lastly I really want to go dancing tonight. I hope I can convince him to go for a few hours since that isn't his thing. I hope you dance! Peace.

It's a Great Day for a Bike Ride

2007-10-17T18:21:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning to a beautiful turquoise blue and white beach cruiser bike in my family room for my birthday (a day early). I love it! Stephen made pancakes for breakfast and when we were all done we went for a bike ride. A nice steady cruise, just my speed. It was so much fun and the day was beautiful. I've been wanting a bike like this for some time. Now all I need is the white basket to go on the front along with a bell to ring when someone gets in my way.

I continue to have problems with my laptop so I'm not posting online as much. So frustrating and requires so much time online with HP tech support. I'm convinced it's an issue between HP and Vista.

Yesterday I saw Dr. K for another fill up. Actually he was out of the office so I saw his nurse. I only took 50ccs this time and that didn't hurt nearly as much. She said I need to moisturize the skin more to prevent the flaking and thought we were at the point where we needed to go 2 weeks in between. I'm 50ccs away from a B cup. I'll see Dr. K. in 2 weeks and we'll see where I am. Greg says I'm huge but I don't think I am.

Also got my Lupron shot yesterday. My OB ordered the monthly shot and she is out of the office so I have left her a note to see if 3 month shot is possible. I don't want to have to go monthly if I can avoid it. After the shot my appetite was gone and then later on I had a wierd sensation of heat rising up my back. Menopause is just a matter of time and I pray that it is easy for me. Dr. Link said basically we're doing a chemical oophraectomy instead of a surgical one. He said this procedure is being done in Europe and although it is a bit off label in terms of drug use it is becoming more and more prevalent. He said it's not in OB literature which is probably why my OB was struggling with this. According to the insert with the medication my estrogen levels will spike for the next 2 weeks and then drop off dramatically. Today my appetite is gone too but I've forced myself to eat a bit to try and keep my weight up at normal.

Kids had their math tutor here this afternoon and I took advantage of the time to take a nap. There is nothing like an afternoon nap. What a luxury.

Also had to reschedule my port a cath for Monday because when they called to confirm Friday they told me I had to be off of Ibuprofen for at least 5 days. No one told me this. I'll go to the lab tommorrow to have the blood work done. I hate not taking the ibuprofen because it helps with the pain from the fill ups. They said I could take tylenol but it's not the same. I'll deal.

Our days have been quiet. The fall weather has been gorgeous. I am so grateful for my life. I've been feeling very introverted and introspective. Very serious as I try to process all that life has to offer. It's a great day to be alive, I hope you make it a good one. Peace.

How to Be Happy

2007-10-14T22:35:00.000-07:00

It's been a full few days. Life got hectic at the end of the week and of course since I wasn't hurting so much I did as much as I could. I spent Friday taking care of myself. Sunrise Breast Care Ctr. had a free spa day for breast cancer survivors from 10-1 so I went and took advantage of all the offerings which included; Reiki, Crainal Sacral work, reflexology, foot bath/massage and a make over. I met another gal there who had just finished her 4th treatment of 6 with the same drugs that I will be taking for chemo. She had not lost her eyebrows and eyelashes, was not having any mouth issues and said the 3rd day is the worst for her. She takes Chemo on Thursday and shot on Friday and then is down Saturday, Sunday and sometimes Monday. She said she has terrible nausea which none of the meds really help her with (many have terrible side effects) and the shot gives her flu like symptoms. It was comforting to talk to someone who was taking same specific drugs on same 3 week cycle and ask questions.

After my spa time I went to my food as medicine class. I was very quiet and relaxed. Dr. Debbie is fabulous and I am convinced that we have some work to do together. Jackie was there too and she suggested taking Reiki night before chemo treatments instead of night after. She said Reiki would better balance and prepare body before. She said to call her morning of and she will see if she can come and sit with me part of the time while I take my first chemo. That would be nice and I will make a point of doing that.

Steven and Katie had play commitments on Friday night and Greg and I took Anna out to dinner for her 8th birthday. She picked Outback Steakhouse and I think she enjoyed having the time with just Mom and Dad.

Brenda, my beloved sister, flew in on Saturday am early and surprised the kids. After she got here and we visited a bit we headed over to the Renaissance Fair as promised to Anna. We picked up a few more kids on the way. The fair was so crowded and I worried the whole time about people bumping into me. Saturday is definitely not the day to go. We spent about 4 hours there, Anna got to pick out a goody to purchase and then we dashed home so we could get ready to take Katie to the theatre for her opening night. Brenda and I sat and visited and Greg and the kids arrived later. Katie was so fabulous but of course I already knew she would be. She definitely has presence and the camera does love her. Brenda was a proud and beaming Auntie and I think Katie really enjoyed that.

We finished up at the theatre about 10:30pm and then headed over to Denny's for food. It was so nice to sit and visit and listen to Brenda's funny stories and share some of ours. It was a nice visit. Brenda gave me a beautiful pendant for my birthday to help give me strength during the next part of my journey. I am so grateful for her presence in my life. We didn't get to bed until after 12:30am and then I had to be up by 6:30 to get her to the airport. Traffic was awful at the airport which surprised me because it was so early and she just made her plane. Thank goodness! I know it was a huge commitment for her to come and I am so glad that she made the effort.

I came home and went back to bed and woke up at 10am to a lovely cup of starbucks coffee that Greg brought me. Thankfully it was only a small because the caffeine made me very shaky. I will look forward to having it the day of chemo. What a treat! The kids woke up late too and since we didn't have church this morning we lazed around for much of the day. I did a bit of laundry and got caught up on some computer stuff and planning my birthday party.

At about 3pm I got motivated and made some stock and then a pot of soup for dinner. The boys were out dirt bike riding and the girls and I went to listen to a fireside chat where Sean Covey spoke. Sean is the son of Stephen Covery. My kids like his book "7 habits for highly effective teens". He talked about how our youth will have an impact 10 fold of that of our ancestors. He shared 16 words that will bring true happiness:
Faith for the mind - faith in self and power of God
Worship for the spirit - having a direct relationship with Source
Health for the body - beware of what we put into mind and body, good quality only
Service for the heart - serving others

I enjoyed his talk immensely, he had great stories and a nice sense of humor. I am sorry Stephen missed it. I think there were some treasures he missed, especially the football stories. I was able to translate his words into ones that made sense for me. I think his words of wisdom provide a good guideline for living a good life and can lead to true happiness. Truth is truth. Katie had taken her book 7 Habits and asked him to sign it.

One thing that Sean said that really stuck with me is that Beloved God will give us the strength that we need to get through hard times but this does not mean that we won't have hard times. I took solace in this thought that no matter what life brings for me over the next few months I will find the strength to do what needs to be done. I just have to know the what not the how I guess. The how is up to the Universe. I do think, however, that Sean missed 1 point and that is Gratitude. Part of true happiness comes from being Grateful for life just as it is, knowing that all is as it should be. I do well with this for a while and then fall down on the job. Someday I will be grateful at all times in all situations. I look forward to that day.

It's a great day to be alive. I have so much to be grateful for and feel so lucky to have this opportunity to grow and change. Peace.

Accepting My Limitations

2007-10-10T17:36:00.000-07:00

Monday night I went to my first clinical Yoga class in Green Valley. While it felt so incredibly good to move my body I found myself being frustrated because I couldn't do all the moves. In fact at one point I found myself very pissed off thinking that I was only 41 years old and all of the "old" ladies in my class could do it but I couldn't. I tried very diligently to push myself but not to over extend myself. I met several other ladies in class who had been through a similar experience in that they had mastectomies and used the Yoga class to help heal. I will continue to attend this class and will try to be creative and see what other movement I can do in order to build up muscle tone and movement again.

Yesterday I went to Dr. Khiabani's for another "fill up". Unlike the first experience this one through me for a loop. I took another 100ccs in each breast. I now have 250ccs in each breast and this is considered an A cup. I wonder what I was before a 1/2 A?. 350ccs is a B cup. I hurt when I was finished with the fill ups. I thought about asking them to take some out but the needles had already been removed and I didn't really want to get poked again. Ecella gave me a prescription for muscle relaxants to use at night to help me sleep better. I thought about calling Greg to come and pick me up but didn't want to leave my car there so I drove home slowly but surely. By the time I got home I was in agonizing pain. I had dropped off my prescription for the muscle relaxants on the way home and thankfully the pharmacy was quick and called and said they were ready. Greg went to get them for me and I took half a pill and proceeded to fall asleep. I was so unprepared to be in so much pain. It felt like my skin was going to split open and aliens were going to walk out of my breasts.

At one point on the way home I thought a lot about whether it was worth of all of the energy and pain to have these breasts. For me, I came to the conclusion that it was, I wanted breasts. My poor chest skin was pulled so tight that it was white across the top portion of the breasts. Normally I would have 2-3 weeks to get used to the larger amount of fluid in the breasts before adding more but this is not possible when the plan gets expedited. I'm not sure yet if I'll get a fill up next week based on where I've been this week. If I do feel up to it I think I will ask for only 50ccs this time to try and lessen pain.

Needless to say I spent most of the day Tuesday in pain. It just plain hurt to move.
Today I was better but I still hurt quite a bit. I didn't take any muscle relaxants like yesterday but did do the Ibuprofen thing. I was so looking forward to driving the kids to a few of their activities this week but so far that hasn't happened. I had to scramble yesterday to cover a few things since I was down. And it was hard to admit that I was down.

It was a quiet day today. I slept in till 9 and after the kids were done with their school work they played outside until their math tutor came. I used this time to take a nap. Marieta came over this evening and did Reiki on me. I felt like I was resisting it the whole time but she said she could feel me sucking the energy and her hands were sweating from the heat. Reiki is a form of energy touch and I plan to use it to help with Chemo. Marieta said best way to do it is to have Reiki while you are getting chemo but I will plan on having it later that day to help balance the energy.

I guess what this all boils down to is accepting my limitations. I think there is a difference between being a limited person and accepting your limitations. I want so desperately to have my life back that I'm missing the fact that I have to find a new normal. Intellectually I realize there is no such thing as normal but I have so much guilt about so many things. Guilt about not being totally there for my kids, guilt about needing so much help and asking other busy people to serve me, guilty that I'm sleeping part of my life away and guilt that I'm in this place where I don't always know what I need. Some days are an emotional roller coaster ride. Yesterday I wanted to curl up in a ball but I can't even do that. Reality is that I can't move my body like I used to but that doesn't mean this will be the case forever. Reality is that expansion is painful and that is part of the process to get new boobs. Reality is that I don't have the same amount of energy right now, I feel very ebby and low.

So....I commit to accepting my limitations. To be gentle and loving with myself and accept that I am doing the best that I can. I commit to allowing my body the rest that it needs. I will go slow and try not to be frustrated that I can't move as fast as I'd like. Our bodies are such an incredible gift, truly a temple from creator. I am so grateful for my body and know that on some level it's been through hell and back and more energy is needed in order for it to finish healing itself.

All I know is that it's a great day to be alive. I'm so very grateful for all of the opportunities to grow and expand and learn from my life's journey despite the pain. Make it a great day. Peace.

How you see me...

2007-10-08T17:02:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy few days. I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while but there are days when I don't feel like talking and yesterday was one of them. We took family photos at Floyd Lamb State Park. Afterwards Stephen went to work with his Dad and I took the girls to a movie. We saw game plan and liked it. Afterwards I came home and sat on the couch and watched several Katherine Hepburn movies - Paris when it sizzles and Funny Face. I am on a Katherine Hepburn kick and watched Breakfast at Tiffany's the day before. She is very beautiful and very elegant. There is something about the feminity of the 50s and early 60s that appeals to me but that's a topic for another day.

My cousin Jennifer was here in Vegas with us on Thursday and Friday. We had a lovely visit and I enjoyed getting to know her better. I was much older when she was born so feel like we were in different phases of our lives and never really got to spend much time together. She is a lovely young woman and my kids adore her. Something she said though really got me thinking. She spoke as if I still had cancer. I didn't take this personally but I realized that how you think about me matters to me. In my mind I am healed and am so grateful. Chemo is just a precaution for the future. I need you to see me this way as well. Our thoughts are so powerful - every thought goes out into the universe whether we realize it or not and has an impact on what we create in our lives. If you see me as someone who HAS cancer that can impact my future. Please hold me in your mind as a woman who is vibrant and healed, who has abundant health and has learned the lessons from cancer, sees it as a blessing and has reclaimed her life. This is an incredible way to see me.

I'm trying to get Stephen ready to usher at Peter Pan, Katie is researching plate tectonics for her toastmasters speech tommorrow. She opens Peter Pan tonight and is very excited. We are going to see her on Saturday night since Family night was cancelled this last weekend. I'm dragging Anna Rose with me to my physio yoga class - Greg is off today but out dirt bike riding. I'll take the laptop so Anna can watch a movie.

It's a great day to be alive. Peace.

No Fear

2007-10-04T09:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to see Dr. Khiabani. We chatted for a while and he indicated that because I was going to be shutting down my ovaries and doing chemo he wanted to try and fill me up ASAP. He said estrogen is key in skin elasticity so we wanted to stretch skin as much as possible before the adventure begins. I have to admit that I was scared. His nurse came in and filled me up, 100cc on each side. My breasts are probably as big now as they were before surgery. I felt great after. There was something about the fact that the balloon was filled out that took some of the pressure off of my chest.

I saw a picture of the balloon that is the tissue expander. It was neat how they find the port. They have a magnetic device that is a kind of pendulum. They run it over your chest and the pendulum moves. When they hit the right spot the pendulum stops moving and hangs dead center between 2 cross hairs. They press this into your skin to make a mark and then disinfect and spray a local just in case you have sensation in the area. When they stick the needle in you feel a bit of pressure. It wasn't really hard. I took first 50ccs no problem. It wasn't until the 2nd 50 about halfway that I started to feel pressure. They only had 10ccs left when I said "Wow I can' really feel that.". I told them to finish it up.

My beautiful friend Katie said that she thought it would be great if we can make them bigger and smaller at will. For example going out on a hot date - fill em up. Going to the gym to work out and don't want bounce factor take some out. I love her sense of humor and think many women would be on the same page with Miss Katie!

Driving home from this appointment I thought about how scared I had been. Part of it I'm sure was the fact that I didn't know what to expect. But in reality I felt better after. How much of my life is like this? How often do I make things more scary than they really are because I don't know what to expect? I certainly did this with the MRI when I was sweating bullets and then after I thought that wasn't bad.

Anna and I baked cookies together. I paid for it later because I really hurt but it was so nice to do a "normal" Mom thing with my almost 8 year old. The cookies were good too. Called Legal Cookies they are from my new cookbook. They are a healthy version of thumbprint cookies made with spelt, oats and almond flour. I used organic strawberry jam. Yum - I did not feel quilty eating these at all.

While Steven was at Boy Scouts and Katie was at rehearsal Anna and I watched a documentary on the life of Buddha. His story was quite interesting. Did you know that he didn't leave the walls of the castle until the age of 29? He didn't formally renounce his family until 35. He was a late bloomer for sure. Anyway during his enlightenment (40 days of meditating and fasting) he discovered the 4 Noble Truths:
1. All humans suffer - it is a part of our existence
2. We must discover the cause of this suffering and in order to so must look deeply within without any fear.
3. Suffering can be removed if we find the cause
4. Once suffering is removed we are free from fear and can live in happiness.

I thought this all tied in so nicely to what I had been pondering on earlier. Fear. How much does it pervade my life? How much does it influence my decisions without my realizing it? How does it hold me back? How do I live a life with No Fear?

Had a rough night. Woke up at 1am hurting profoundly and had trouble going back to sleep. Took ibuprofen and did a rife machine treatment for pain and that helped some. I can feel the skin stretching as a kind of pressure. I have to say that I am so amazed at my bodies ability to do all the things it does.

Gotta run. Have an 11:30am with a naturopathic doctor on the other side of town. I'm looking forward to meeting her and hearing her point of view. It's a great day to be alive and I am so grateful for my beautiful life. Do something nice for yourself today and remember to be gentle with those you meet - we all have our own suffering. Peace.

I commit to growth!

2007-10-02T21:19:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a few days. As I've started to feel better I've been trying to integrate into life a bit more. I still struggle with overdoing it. That seems to be a common theme in my life. Wonder why I just can't get that one? Yesterday the girls and I ran a few errands and by the time I got home I hurt so badly I was done for the day. It's that elusive balance thing. I've been so tired in the evenings that I haven't had the energy to journal.

Today I spoke to my OB about my hormonal therapy. We discussed the shot of Lupron to put my ovaries to sleep. She indicated that she is only comfortable doing the shots for 6 months since Lupron is normally used for endometrosis. After a lengthy discussion I got her to agree to give me the shot and then said that I was sure others were using the Lupron for longer periods of time and if she was ameniable I would work with her and Dr. Q. to find a solution long term. I figure this gets me through Chemo and in the meantime I can dig for more info and try to talk to Dr. Link. I definitely feel like my home team here is more on a C level while my Plastic surgeon and Dr. Link are A level players. It gives me a whole different feeling working with the A level than the C level players. I was frustrated no doubt by this event but feel confident that I will find a solution - I always do. It's a bump in the road so to speak but I can overcome it.

Tonight I went to a Breast Cancer Support Group meeting. I didn't rest enough today and I hurt but I felt like I really needed to go. The challenge that I have in "real life" is that I'm consumed by this thing at the moment. I eat it, breathe it and sleep it. Issues are always on my mind = things I have to research, questions, possibilities. I so needed to connect with other women who understand this. It's not my intention to have it consume my life but it does. There was a new gal there who had ovarian cancer 3 years ago, a mastectomy in August for DCIS and now has a nodule on her thryoid that is being watched closely. Despite my angst about Chemo I felt so grateful that her experience helped me put mine in perspective. It could be so much worse and I'm so grateful that it's not.

Here's the reality. I don't want to be defined by breast cancer. I choose to grow from this experience. So many things in our lives define us and often we make a lateral move from 1 definition to another. I want to break out of this and move beyond. I choose to experience all of the emotions; the fear, the pain, the sorrow, the gratitude, the joy and to push beyond those boundaries to become a better woman. Yesterday I ordered a plaque for myself that says, "She didn't just survive, she became.". This is what I choose for myself. I intend to become more of me, a better version of me, a more joyful version of me, a funnier version of me, a more grateful version of me.

Tommorrow morning early I see Dr. Khiabani. He talked about doing a fill up. We'll see. I have questions about my port, about how my reconstruction will be affected by turning off the estrogen from my ovaries since this affects skin elasticity. I'd like to have some saline added before I start chemo so it can sit a while but I don't want to go overboard since I still feel tender and sore. We'll see what he thinks and go from there. I keep thinking perhaps a partial fill won't be bad.

I also spoke to the chemo nurse at Dr. Qs today. I asked her about taking Glutamine to help prevent necropsy (numbness of hands and feet), a side effect of chemo. I've been told that with the Glutamine you need to already be taking it prior to chemo. If you start it after the condition arises then it's no good. I explained to Bootsie, the nurse that I was looking for alternative ways to combat side effects. Explained that I knew some of these were anecedotal but many people have seemed to have good results. She seemed inspired by my question and when we were done she said she was going to look into other things for me. She also said they have some pretty chemo caps and to remind her so I can get a few at my first treatment to help keep my head warm when I loose my hair. The baldness and loss of body hair is a sure thing with the taxotere. The only body hair that they weren't sure about was nostril hair. Go figure.

I guess the bottom line is I need to trust the process. I don't have to like it but the more I trust it the easier it will be for me. So I commit today to trusting that all is well in this area. I am so grateful for my life and my journey. Thank you Beloved God! It's a great day to be alive. As the song says, "I hope you dance." Peace.

Food as Medicine

2007-09-29T12:01:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I drove for the first time. It was a bit challenging because of the twisting and turning. I did it because I wanted to go out but don't think I'll make a regular habit of it yet. I should be careful not to speak to soon though since I have appointments next week I need to get to and haven't arranged rides.

I went to a class called Food as Medicine that is taught at some of the big cancer centers like MD Anderson that have CAM programs as well. It was quite good and I got several messages that I was right where I need to be. Yes! Thank you source! It was taught by Dr. Debra Symons (Dr. Debbie) and I really liked her. She is an ND and I've made an appointment to attend her clinical yoga class to get my range of motion back post surgery as well as a 1 on 1 consult to discuss ways to manage side effects of chemo. She had a lot more personality than Pfau but the bottom line is that I will consult with both and take the best they have to offer to create my own regimine.

I learned that for women no soy, no lavendar and no grapefruit. These are all pure estrogen and since we are exposed to so much estrogen in our environment we don't want to add to it. I found this interesting since I use all lavendar; it's in my laundry soap, my hair care and skin care products. Back to the drawing board on this.

I need to share with Dad that sage tea helps with high blood pressure.

If you get migraine headaches frequently it's a sign that your liver and colon need to be cleansed.

She argued to drink distilled water only. There is a lot of debate about this and I'm going to have to do some more research.

While I was there I thought a lot about the woundology of dis-ease. Some people get stuck in this. Do I do this? Do I find some sort of comfort in this place? Is it familiar and comfortable in some way? Am I content with my illness? I don't think so but I will ponder this and see if this is the case. Dr. Debbie shared that some women have admitted to them that they prayed for breast cancer as a punishment for some life situations. This certainly isn't my situation but at some level I have to think it worked for me and that is scary.

I got some great tips for treating naseau after chemo and some great ideas for taking charge of chemo and making it mine instead of something scary that I must face alone. More on that in a minute. I also received a free cookbook called "One Bite at a Time" by Rebecca Katz. This is a fabulous book. These are nourishing recipes for cancer survivors and their friends. I laid in bed this am and read it cover to cover and it made me want to go to Whole Foods, do some shopping and some cooking. I wonder if I can get friends and family to cook for me from this book while I do chemo. She spent a lot of time talking about how chemo changes taste and how there were things you could do to make the food taste good and be healthy so a person undergoing treatment would eat it. Reality though is that this cookbook would be good for anyone period but it's great healthy food.

Another tip Ms. Katz shared is that there are times when chemo patients eat little (a noursihing broth is good during this time) and then the next week they might eat like a line backer. No one has really discussed this with me. All I've heard really is that food becomes the enemy because normally you loose your taste buds and get mouth sores. My friend Katie said she lost 35 pounds on her chemo routine. I'm already down to my lowest weight since pre kids and think if I lost 35 pounds that wouldn't be a good thing. I also don't really want to gain weight either. I've lost 8 pounds since surgery on the 11th but certainly not on purpose. Boy my ideal would be to hire someone to come in and prepare food for me and mine daily so I don't have to worry about it. Wonder if Ms. Katz hires out?

Many people have asked what they can do to help support me during this time. Well I've actually come up with some ideas. So here they are:
1. Come in and cook a few meals for my family and stick them in the freezer. I of course want to use my new cookbook because we really are what we eat and I want to feed my body well.
2. Send a funky or pretty scarf that I can wear when I am bald.
3. Make a mp3 file with funny jokes, stories or words of love that I can download to my mp3 player and listen to while I am doing chemo.
4. I plan to take my laptop to journal my experience of course. It has a DVD player so funny movies would be an option too.

Last night I watched The Inn of the 6th Happiness. This was recommended to me by my beloved friend Donna Goff. It's based on the life of Gladys Aylworth who was a missionary in China. The movie is a 1958 job with Ingrid Bergman. It was a great flick and I was so inspired by the strength and courage of this woman. It's my new favorite movie and I encourage every woman to watch it. Who knows maybe I'll start giving this to all my good girlfriends. We need inspiration now and again.

Katie and Anna are out hiking this morning with the Alicea family. Poor Steven couldn't go because he hadn't finished his schoolwork for the week. I keep encouraging him to finish so he has freetime for the rest of the day and tommorrow too. These lessons can be so hard to learn and 13 year old boys seem to have a harder time focusing than girls at that age.

Yesterday I cut my hair even shorter in preparation for losing it. We are going to have a family photo taken in a few weeks before I start chemo. It's been a long time since we've done this and I'd like to have some hair.

I plan to have a quiet day surfing the net and catching up on life. It's a great day to be alive. Try to practice acts of random kindness today. Peace.

Divine Intervention?

2007-09-27T18:50:00.000-07:00

What an interesting day. I went to see my oncologist today and after waiting an hour + to see her the first thing she said when she walked in is "Lisa my friend, it's divine intervention". I said "what do you mean?" and she said "Did you see the pathology report from your surgery? There is no way that a mammogram would have shown a .2mm cancer. I am so glad you took the breast." So is this another reminder from divine source that I am right where I need to be?

Boy do I need those reminders. I told my oncologist that I was prepared to do chemo but I was not happy and actually was terrified. I joked with her and said "Hey Doc it's nothing personal, I'm sure you are fabulous but I didn't want us to be such good friends and now it looks like we will be good friends." She laughed. I have to admit that when I cry she doesn't shut down and does touch my arm and says"I know." Can she really though?

The rest of my visit is a haze. I was so overwhelmed by the list of meds, etc that are used to treat all of the side effects from this, etc. and etc. Even to find out that depending on where I put my port a cath I may have to have blood thinners as well. Dr. Qs tip was to remember that this is just temporary but I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around it all. I feel so shell shocked and so numb right now.

First chemo is slated for 10/24 at 10:30am. I also found out that no one can sit back there with me. Wow, an opportunity to face all of my demons by myself. The week before chemo the port goes in. Blood work must be done always the day before or treatment can't be given. The day after I get a shot of Neulasta to keep white count up so I can get treatment again.

Dr. Q. has encouraged me to stay active and has said other than losing all body hair and naseau she can't really predict side effects. If I get a fever of 100.5 or higher I am supposed to go to ER right away. That seems contradictory. Chemo lowers your immune system and then if you are having an infection you should go to ER so you can pick up more cooties. Gofigure.

I think my beautiful son Stephen is struggling with all of this. It's hard enough to be 13 and then to deal with your Mom going through cancer treatment would be enough for anyone. We had a conversation yesterday and he seemed to be really hung up on me being bald. I think he's scared and doesn't know how to experess that. I was honest and discussed my reasons for changing my mind and doing chemo afterall. I do so want to be there to watch my children grow into the beautiful and capable geniuses that they are. I want to have grandchildren and share my story with the world. I want to make a difference so when I get to the end I know that I used it all up while I was here.

Got a beautiful card today from a friend. She said she has been hearing my name in different circles she frequents and is convinced that I have a very important mission to fulfill while I am here on earth. I hope she's right because at the moment I am fighting very hard to stay positive. I feel stretched to my capacity right now.

By the way. I am so willing to have people share their comments with me on my blog. However, I would greatly appreciate it if you would keep in mind that I don't have any space right now for negative energy. It's all I can do on some days to get out of bed and face the challenges the day holds for me. If I'm not handling this journey the way you want me to I apologize but this is afterall my journey and I must do it in the way I feel called to do. It's really not about you, this journey is all about me and I would appreciate it if you don't try to take that away from me. I'm working so hard to get the lessons. Bottom line, only post positive comments please. If you have negative to share please keep it to yourself right now or address me offline. Thank you for your understanding.

It's a great day to be alive. I hope you'll make it great. Peace

I hurt!

2007-09-26T21:25:00.000-07:00

I'm still struggling with those darned boundaries. It's day 15 post mastectomy and the little bit of moving around that I did today really hurts. I woke up hurting which is an indication that I did too much yesterday too. Do you realize how much we use our arms? Try moving around for 1 hour without your arms - dare you! :-) My back between my shoulder blades is where it really hurts as well as my right breast. It seems funny to me that this one is hurting more than the left but the expander feels really tight and is pushing on my side. And forget laying in any different position than on the back because then you can feel it even more. That includes watching a movie on the couch.

Do you realize how much gravity pulls on us? No wonder women are saggy in old age. Bending over pulls, sitting up pulls, laying down pulls in it's on way as does turning. I feel grumpy and say "enough already". Is there some lesson that I am missing? I really don't want to miss the lesson and have to repeat it at some future point in time.

Katie went to rehearsal, Steven to scouts and Anna and I watched a movie called Catch and Release. It wasn't a very good movie (4 or 5) but it had an interesting thread. If you haven't see it, Jennifer Garner is engaged to be married and her man dies. Long story short she finds out that she really didn't know him at all. She has a great quote along the lines of "Why did it take losing someone to really find them?" I wonder if I do that? Do we look past people and see only what we want to our what fits our comfort zone. In the end she makes peace with her man, what she knew and didn't know, says goodbye and moves on. And isn't that what we humans do? We get through it and move on.

So yes I hurt but I will move on. I must get to bed so I can try again tommorrow to find the elusive balance. Do women who are mothers and wives really ever find a balance? A friend is coming to nuture me and I have to see Dr. Q. It's still a great day to be alive and I am so grateful for all that is because all is well and as it should be.
Peace.

Travelling to the land of Chemotherapy

2007-09-25T14:52:00.001-07:00

Well it's official I'm travelling to the land of Chemotherapy. I have fought this from the very beginning and quite frankly am still in shock. I had decided that whatever Dr. Link advised is what course of action I would take since he was so spot on about the mastectomies. Of course I knew when they found more cancer in the left breast they would say Chemo but honestly I was holding my breath hoping beyond hope that he might advise something else. How the hell did I get here? Frankly this is not what I expected to be doing at 41 going on 42 years of age. It really sucks and I am really scared. Chemo is a really crappy birthday present.

Links recommended chemo cocktail is CT - 1 treatment every 3 weeks for 4-6 treatments. Apparently in the standard of care world 8 treatments is the standard but there are new numbers coming out showing that less is more. He said if I handled the chemo well he'd like to see me do 6 rounds but honestly there aren't any numbers out about 4 vs. 6. How the hell can you handle chemo well, it's poison! It's not about losing the hair because I have plans to take charge of that area. It's about knowingly killing cells in my body. This is not the LisaB that I know and I can't believe I'm even agreeing to it. But the #s are suggestive. In women with 1-3 nodes positive the chance of a recurrance without chemo is 50%. Holy cow who wants to go through this more than 1x? With Chemo my chances of a recurrance drop statistically to 33%. With the hormonal therapy I drop down to the 19% statistical range. The reality is that none of us are statistics and there are no guarantees. But from a non-emotional, logical place how can I not do chemotherapy? Many women of all walks have done it and survived. Let's face it breast cancer is not a club you ask to join, it chooses you.

So don't be surprised if you hear me saying Bald is Beautiful. The reality is that I will loose all of my hair in all of it's places. Eyelashes and eyebrows too! I sure hope that my head is symmetrical and beautiful so I don't have to cover it up. Too bad it's winter and I won't have a need to show my hairless legs. On the other hand, a friend who has lived chemo shared that it raised her body temperature so perhaps doing this in winter is best. With the hormone shot to turn my ovaries off before I start chemo I'll probably be hot all the time. That'll be a change.

I sort of feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz to wake up in this strange place and wanting so badly to go home. Will I find that I too had the tools all along? Do I have super powers that I don't know about yet? Where will I find the strength to make this hard trek? To me this is even more daunting than going off into the wilderness by myself. I know that I am a survivor, a fighter as there is no other choice. While I am so grateful for the opportunity to grow it's challenging at times not to go to a dark place. I have some choice words about it all that I won't share right now.

But get ready cause I need you. I'll need all the love and support I've gotten to date plus more. Hold me in the white light, where my body is whole and healed, where I've let go of all the pain and I flow through chemotherapy. Keep my children and my husband in that light as well. Can we travel this road without any casualities? Only time will tell since there really isn't any other path for me at this time. I must live strong as there is no other choice.

I'm off to make plans, hair shaving parties, henna tatoos on my bald head, pretty hats and scarves to accessorize with, discussions with my oncologist about when and how to start, port vs. no port,people to ask for help during the weeks of chemo, schedules to coordinate ....You're in the Land of Oz Dorothy.

Despite all of this I would argue still that it's a great day to be alive! What are you doing today to make it a great day and what blessings are you forgetting to be grateful for in your life? Peace.

Fall Equinox

2007-09-24T12:44:00.001-07:00

"To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under the sun; a time to be born, a time to die, a time to plant and a time to reap...."(Ecclesiastes 3:1)

Yesterday was fall equinox, 1 of only 2 days in the entire year when light and dark, day and night are equal. The long days of summer are gone, long days are fading into shorter days and nature is showing signs of slowing down. Traditionally this has been a time of harvest. There is something in the air that reminded our ancestors to hurry to prepare for the upcoming and long winter. Preparations were made to slaughter the animals, pull the last bits from the garden and put them up or store them for the winter ahead. In the Greek Mythology system this is the time that Persephone went back to the underworld with Hades because she had eaten 7 pomegranite seeds. Demeter, her mother and the goddess of the land, go into mourning for the loss of her daughter.

I think spiritually equinox is a time of harvest too. It's a time for me to think about what I have harvested in my life and to ponder on how I have been transformed by the experience. I love the fact that nature is showing signs of slowing down. The weather has cooled quickly, the leaves are changing. This gently reminds me that transformation is a vital part of change. And make no mistake I am changing. It's very subtle in some ways but I feel it nonetheless. Who will I become? Who do I choose to become? How do I choose to let my breast cancer experience mold me? How much can I really control?

Being in the thick of this breast cancer experience though I am having trouble getting my perspective this fall. There are still decisions to be made and treatments to go through. So many unknowns, so many choices. Like a tree, I have released my leaves through the removal of my breasts. I've allowed a yielding to occur so that I can allow a new to emerge. What will that be? Right now I am struggling to find the balance of movement verses rest. I ache to move my arms and yet they are sore. Showering by myself is a challenge, a slow and ardorous process. I am unable to dress myself by myself at this time. I long to be able to wash the dishes and yet how much is too much? So quickly doing a little bit can become overdoing it. There is a balance there that eludes me and has done so for my entire life. Have I ever really been able to do things in balance? I don't think so. I've come from a place of all or nothing. I've worked until my body hurt so bad I was in tears. And while that intensity has it's place has it served me well?

For me this crazy, sexy thing called cancer has been the illness that has caused loss and a breakdown of reality as I've known it. Now don't get me wrong this isn't necessarily a bad thing. I've worked very hard not to be fearful during this process of change. Nature reminds me today that all things have a season and this is just another season in my life. Today I choose to be inspired by nature's example to accept the countless blessings and gifts this season is offering me even if I can't clearly see what these are yet.

As winter approaches I see clearly that the tempo of my life must slow down just as that of the natural rhythm. It is a time to center down into the ground of my being. A time to withdraw from the relentless activity of life with it's demands and errands and responisibilities. A sacred space and time to nourish my body, mind and spirit.

The house is quiet, the kids are filming their version of The Bridge to Terabithia today and tommorrow. A storm has blown in and there are clouds in the sky. Greg has the afternoon off and I am hoping to get him to take me to run a few errands today. I am less sore today than I have been and will start some exercises to get my arm movements back slowly but surely. My book calls to me and yet for some reason I have put off working on it. I'm trying to be OK with that.

It's another great day to be alive. Where are you on this first day of fall? What are you harvesting in your life? How do the rhythms of nature speak to you? What transformations do you intend in your life? And how do you feel about change? Are you cultivating the practice of welcoming change or do you push it away? Make it a great day!

A new view on the path....

2007-09-23T16:20:00.000-07:00

Well I've gone 21st century. I'm switching my blog from pink-link over to a blogger site so people will stop having trouble with reading my journal. I just have to figure out what I'm doing.
So Welcome to my blog - Designing My Own Life...One Woman's Journey. While I've started journalling to track my exerpience with breast cancer I can't help but believe that I will continue on with this pasttime even when cancer no longer consumes my life.

Today I've been thinking about extrordinary time. I've been living in this place since my surgery. Because I've given myself permission to heal and I have the permission of others as well there have been no expectations of me. I can lie in bed all day and no one really cares or gets mad. I've spent afternoons lying on my bed listening to the sound of nature in my yard, planes flying overhead, the chickens clucking, my children singing as they play and taking long and luxurious naps (when I can sleep well that is). This time is so different from being in linear time when kids have to be at a certain place at a certain time and I want to cram 10 other things in along the way. How would my life be different if I could live in E Time on a regular basis? How can I shape my life in the future so I get bits and pieces of this time in my daily life? A way to take a time out....like walking to a pond in nature and take a leisurely swim or sitting with a hot cup of coffee and watching the sun rise in all it's glory. I don't have any answers today. Sure I see the value of this but can I realistically work it into my life. Will I be consistent? If not, why?

Last night I ventured out to a function that was important to me. Stephen, Anna and I went to a BBQ for a Statesmanship Club that is forming in the valley. It was the first time I had ventured out for other than a Dr. appointment. It was a wierd experience. I had picked up a bit around the house earlier in the day and had of course overdone it. I was hurting and knowing that I was going out took some pain med. Well I took a bit too much and felt like I was in lala land. I walked around with a smile on my face and felt very day dreamy. I felt like my friends were looking at me funny and maybe they were. I was definitely in my own place. Now mind you I don't intend to go to this drug induced place regularly but can we get there without
drugs? Is this part of the path to finding extroardinary time?

While I was at this function I was asked a very interesting question by my hostess. First came the "how are you doing?" I'm always puzzled by how to really answer this question. How much do you really want to know? How much can you really handle? What will make me feel better saying? But the next question really threw me for a loop. The question was "How does it feel to have your private life be public. How does it feel to be the subject of emails?" Wow has my private life been too public? Have I been the subject of many emails without realizing it? And if this is the case is that bad? I've worked very hard to reach out and ask for help. This is not something that has come easily to me and I've been grateful and humbled by the love and support I've been shown. Should I hide behind closed doors? I realize that many of us endure our struggles in silence but is that a good thing? Is there a way that we can share the journey without being a downer? If we really talk about how it really is won't our life be more real and authentic? It's food for thought.

I'm healing, slow but sure. I hurt and often I get tired of the dull throbbing pain that is with me constantly. But I'm grateful. Having a double mastectomy was not nearly as hard as I thought it would be. I'm 12 days into my healing and hopeful that the throbbing will lessen and that this week I will make some choices about chemotherapy.

It's a great day to be alive. Fall is in the air in Las Vegas and it feels fabulous~LisaB.