Perfection in the Imperfection

It's been a busy week. Late Tuesday afternoon I received a letter from my HMO telling me that my next round of surgery had been approved. When I called Dr. Khiabani's office early Wednesday morning, I was informed that I was in fact approved and scheduled for surgery on Monday morning at 8am. I have to admit that I felt a little shell shocked. I figured it would happen beginning of April but wasn't at all prepared for the fact that it would happen 5 days after approval. Instead of hanging on tight for dear life I decided to let go and say YES! I've spent the next 4 days trying to reschedule and rearrange my life so that I can be down for as long as is necessary. This is a skill that breast cancer has lovingly taught me - the ability to give myself permission to be down when I need to and not feel guilty.

I'm not really sure what to expect this time and that always makes it hard for a control freak. While I've certainly gotten better at letting go and riding the wave going into the unknown is always a learning experience. I've decided to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I've been told that this surgery will be minor compared to what I've already been through. The tissue expanders will be removed and the silicone implants will be put in. Dr. K. will cut on the same incisions that were created by Banich in the lumpectomy and mastectomies. I will go in tomorrow at 6:30am and will be home by Monday afternoon. I will be up in a few days and by the end of the week back to my normal routine minus any exercise that will stress my pectoral muscles. This will be off limits for the next 3-4 weeks.

I've spent some time online looking at pictures of reconstructed breasts wanting to really understand what I can expect. The reality is that while Dr. K. may be the best plastic surgeon ever I will always carry scars with me. And that's OK. I realized as I was sitting in church at Easter Service today that there is a kind of perfection in imperfection. If you look at the story of Mary Magdalene, she was searching for the Lord but didn't recognize him when he came to her and asked her why she was weeping. Often we look for Source in all the wrong places and when it's staring us in the face we miss it. I think Breast Cancer has certainly taught me this. It's all part of the divine plan - my life has not certainly taken a path that I expected but in this imperfect journey I have gained so much and changed so much.

I don't celebrate Easter but I do celebrate the birth of Spring. For me Easter and Spring are one and the same - a time of rebirth, renewal, new awareness, the promise of life. And so I look to this surgery with hope - it's a re birthing process for me. The skin has been stretched and my breasts will have a new life - they will be fake of course but they will be mine. I've earned them and designed them to my own specifications.

I've realized that I've almost reached the top of my breast cancer mountain and I'm starting to get a view of the valley below. It's breathtaking and magnificent! I am in awe by how far I have climbed. How did that happen? By putting one foot in front of the other and just climbing the next part of the trail I've almost reached the top. How glorious is that? This surgery is just another step on the trail.

So how can you support me during this time? Hold me in the light! I know that all is well and there is nothing that I need to do but allow this process to occur and know that everything is happening for my highest and greatest good. I trust that Dr. K. will be divinely inspired to help me create the most beautiful reconstructed breasts ever. These breasts are a symbol of my journey. I am held in the invisible hands of the divine and all is as it should be.

It's a great day to be alive! Happy spring. Namaste.