The Dam finally broke

Well it finally happened. I broke down over the last few days and cried my heart out. I have to admit that it was probably brewing for a while. We drove to Indio CA for the Thanksgiving Holiday. Went on Wednesday and came back on Friday. Travelling in a confined space with a husband who is not the world's best traveller and my 3 quarrelling kids was stressful. When we left Indio on Friday I felt very taken for granted and was ready to trade my family in for a different one. I know I'm not the only wife and mother to feel this way. The trip home made it worst. I was so frustrated when we got home that I took walk #3 of the day with the dogs to regroup.

Saturday morning I told Greg how I felt about our life together. I believe I was kind and loving but also very clear that I wanted some things to change. Let me be the first to say that I am not bashing my husband here. I value and appreciate him and all he does for our family but there are certainly areas that I would like to see improvement on. I'm sure he has some for me too since I'm not a saint. He left for work very quiet and I spent the day ruminating some more. Clearly our love languages are quite different (evidenced by the man that is here detailing my car now) and that often leads to miscommunication.

My hip has also been hurting me since Friday morning which I think added to the fray. I took too many walks on Friday and then my bike ride on Saturday morning to run the dogs aggrivated it. I've been taking Tylenol because I can't take advil or aspirin right now. Physically I feel old and although I'm staying active I feel like my body has betrayed me.

This morning we had some couple time and the dam finally broke. I hate being in Menopause. I feel so dead inside. I feel like I was just hitting my stride at 42 both in terms of who I am and how I like to be intimate. Just when I was getting it all figured out I take these drugs that suck. I'm never in the mood now, some part of my body is always hurting and I'm tired. I'm angry that this is my life right now. How did I get to this place? Where do I go from here? How do I find the meaning and inspiration in this to live a better life and be more fabulous than I am now?

Clearly having had cancer has given me an incredible opportunity to reevaluate my life - what is working and what is not. And instead of remembering that change is a process like the rest of life I want to see instant results. Yes I admit, I like instant gratification as well as the next person. In terms of the menopause I know that this is just temporary but this morning 2-3 years felt like a long time. Perhaps it's not just the menopause but the chemo as well. Perhaps my body has not had time to find a new rhythm. And really that's the crux of the problem in the marriage department. Whereas before I had a monthly rhythm right now I have none. I feel like I'm spinning in space. My dance with my husband will have to change and quite frankly I'm not sure what that means.

The intellectually part of me knows that I will refind my bearings. This too shall pass. The emotionally part of me though feels very vulnerable and scared. I don't want to be old before my time. I want to be a sexual being as nature intended. I want to feel a rhythm in my body even if it's different. I choose the ability to be active and not to hurt or have to live on advil.

This is all part of that craxy thing called cancer. So today I'm gray like the weather. I think I'll take the advice of the pastor that gave the sermon I heard at church today where I went to see my friend play in her band. I will look at my unrealistic expectations, try to clarify them and turn them into realistic expectations. Then I will with meditation and prayer ask what it is I am here to do right now and who I am to serve. This is what I will focus on. It's a great day to be alive. Peace.