Living at a different pace...

Much life has been lived since the last time I posted. I saw Dr. Khiabani on Friday and had another fill up. I'm at 350ccs of saline which is a full B cup. I like it but really think if I get to choose that my frame needs a bit more to be in proportion. I am 5'9" after all and very hippy. I have an appointment to get another fill at the end of the month. That's the great thing though about designing my own life - I get to choose. I can get another fill and then if I decide it's too big I can have it taken out. Very cool!

Friday afternoon the girls and I hit the swapmeet and I bought myself a new wig. It's quite mermaidy and I think it looks very good. Wearing a wig is a wierd experience but I decided to wear it to the party this weekend since there will be many people that I do not know. The wig was a hit and the people who know me well didn't even realize it was a wig. That means I chose well because I've met some women that clearly were wearing wigs and I didn't want to be one of those.

Friday night all the kids were gone to various events and I had some time to myself. A family friend also flew into town late. On Saturday morning we dropped all of the kids off at various locations and Greg and I and friend drove to California for a 50th birthday party. We stopped in Mira Loma and I finally got to see the 2nd Fast Lap track there. It's very nice. I can see how Greg and Lew learned so much from the first track here and implemented what they learned on the 2nd track.

The 50th birthday party was lovely. Greg got very emotional and I think it finally hit him that he is no longer 18. I was surprised by his reaction because for me getting older has been a lovely experience. Clearly I did have moments where I felt old. Especially when I saw someone that I hadn't seen in 10 or 15 years and they told me their oldest was a sophmore at UCSB. I was at that kids baby shower. But overall it didn't devastate me the way it seemed to Greg. I wonder if it's different for men than women. Most women I talk to like getting older whereas many men seem to hit midlife and freak out, ditch the first wife, get a 20 year old babe and some sports car. Like changing all of those externals is going to make you happy on the inside.

We drove back from California on Sunday. It was a long drive and I was tired. Got home around 6pm to pick up the kids and then sit down to a family dinner. Of course take out Pizza isn't my favorite but it enabled us to sit down and visit together. The kids and I watched the classic movie Indiana Jones and Greg took friend to the airport. We were in bed by 10pm.

I've been feeling very tired since the end of last week. It's not a depressed tired but more like a fatigue tired. Little things like running to the store to pick up an item or some groceries is killer for me right now. Even 1 stop for 30 minutes wears me out. And if I don't get a nap forget it, I feel like I'm slogging through syrup. I can only assume that this is an aftermath of chemo and that it will only get worse. So...I've been pondering what it means to live at a slower pace. How do I give myself permission to sleep in and nap during the day. How do I give myself permission to say no to the kids more. No we can't go there because I'm tired. It's really about learning to live differently and realizing that this is only temporary. Perhaps if I remember that we are moving into the winter season, a time of hibernation, a time of letting go and shedding old ways that no longer work for us. The days are shorter and the nights longer as we move towards Winter Solstice so that it's easier to sleep and rest more because there is more night.

And yet living slowly can be very challenging at this time of year. I want to craft, bake and make gifts of the season. We didn't even carve pumpkins this year because I was too tired to drive to the store that had the best buy on pumpkins and wasn't willing to pay what my local market was charging. Are my kids deprived? Not by any means. But some of these traditions are being put by the wayside because of my fatigue and I don't have it in me right now to create new traditions. Do I feel guilty? No but I think sad that it has to be this way right now.

I thought that perhaps I could be more active on the weeks where I was more recouped after chemo but now I'm not so sure. This means continuing to ask others for help. How blessed am I?

It's a great day to be alive. The fall weather here is in full swing. Warm days in the 70s and cool nights in the 50s. I love this time of year. Normally I would be putting the garden to sleep, pulling the last of the weeds and trimming all of the trees as they get ready to sleep for the winter. Pomegranites are falling to the ground and I don't have the energy to make jelly or wine. This will have to wait.

It's a great day to be alive. I'm grateful for the opportunity to stay home and raise my children even if I'm not doing it perfectly. I'm grateful for the feel of the sun on my face but most of all I'm grateful for all of the amazing people that grace my life. Peace.