The Dam finally broke

Well it finally happened. I broke down over the last few days and cried my heart out. I have to admit that it was probably brewing for a while. We drove to Indio CA for the Thanksgiving Holiday. Went on Wednesday and came back on Friday. Travelling in a confined space with a husband who is not the world's best traveller and my 3 quarrelling kids was stressful. When we left Indio on Friday I felt very taken for granted and was ready to trade my family in for a different one. I know I'm not the only wife and mother to feel this way. The trip home made it worst. I was so frustrated when we got home that I took walk #3 of the day with the dogs to regroup.

Saturday morning I told Greg how I felt about our life together. I believe I was kind and loving but also very clear that I wanted some things to change. Let me be the first to say that I am not bashing my husband here. I value and appreciate him and all he does for our family but there are certainly areas that I would like to see improvement on. I'm sure he has some for me too since I'm not a saint. He left for work very quiet and I spent the day ruminating some more. Clearly our love languages are quite different (evidenced by the man that is here detailing my car now) and that often leads to miscommunication.

My hip has also been hurting me since Friday morning which I think added to the fray. I took too many walks on Friday and then my bike ride on Saturday morning to run the dogs aggrivated it. I've been taking Tylenol because I can't take advil or aspirin right now. Physically I feel old and although I'm staying active I feel like my body has betrayed me.

This morning we had some couple time and the dam finally broke. I hate being in Menopause. I feel so dead inside. I feel like I was just hitting my stride at 42 both in terms of who I am and how I like to be intimate. Just when I was getting it all figured out I take these drugs that suck. I'm never in the mood now, some part of my body is always hurting and I'm tired. I'm angry that this is my life right now. How did I get to this place? Where do I go from here? How do I find the meaning and inspiration in this to live a better life and be more fabulous than I am now?

Clearly having had cancer has given me an incredible opportunity to reevaluate my life - what is working and what is not. And instead of remembering that change is a process like the rest of life I want to see instant results. Yes I admit, I like instant gratification as well as the next person. In terms of the menopause I know that this is just temporary but this morning 2-3 years felt like a long time. Perhaps it's not just the menopause but the chemo as well. Perhaps my body has not had time to find a new rhythm. And really that's the crux of the problem in the marriage department. Whereas before I had a monthly rhythm right now I have none. I feel like I'm spinning in space. My dance with my husband will have to change and quite frankly I'm not sure what that means.

The intellectually part of me knows that I will refind my bearings. This too shall pass. The emotionally part of me though feels very vulnerable and scared. I don't want to be old before my time. I want to be a sexual being as nature intended. I want to feel a rhythm in my body even if it's different. I choose the ability to be active and not to hurt or have to live on advil.

This is all part of that craxy thing called cancer. So today I'm gray like the weather. I think I'll take the advice of the pastor that gave the sermon I heard at church today where I went to see my friend play in her band. I will look at my unrealistic expectations, try to clarify them and turn them into realistic expectations. Then I will with meditation and prayer ask what it is I am here to do right now and who I am to serve. This is what I will focus on. It's a great day to be alive. Peace.

Invocatin to B

I'm rushing, getting ready for another trip into the unknown - chemo #2 in 45 minutes. $305 mailed today to St. Baldrick's. If you haven't donated yet please do so. You can look for me by name, Lisa B.

Here is the call and response meditation by Janice Brooks.

Invocation to B
CALL: Antenna strands known as Hair
RESPONSE: Carrying messages here and there
C: Standing on end they sometimes say
R: Warning me of dangers coming my way
C: Locks of love, strong and thin
R: Singing sweet music as it blows in the wind
C: Stroked by lovers from birth until last breath
R: History of life's stories, stored till death
C: Styles come and go and yet there remains
R: the light from within flowing thru the brain
C: Smooth and silky to the touch
R: Hallowed and Holy loved so much
C: Moonbeams fly from the souls sacred space
R: Filling my whole body with elegance and grace
C: Round and bald adorns you now
R: Proud and Peaceful to all I bow
C: Sparks and Creation for all to see
R: In beauty I walk, to the new me

I am now completely bald. Deborah shaved me again on Tuesday because the bald patches were hideous and I couldn't stand the way it felt.

It's a great day to be alive. What are you doing today to get outside of your comfort zone? I'm donig chemo. More later. Peace, Lisa B.

Pioneering and a sense of humor

I've been thinking alot today about being a Pioneer. My oncologists office called me this morning and told me they were unable to put in a prior auth for the amplichip test I asked for because no one has ever asked for it before and they had no CPT code. Without a CPT code they can't put it in the system for the insurance company. I asked how I got one of those codes and although we were on the phone I felt like they were giving me a blank stare. Basically they didn't know nor did they wish to know. What did I do? I started on a quest of course to find out how to get a CPT code. I left a message with my nurse at the breast care center and then called my Dad to ask him who assigns these codes. After chatting with him I called the manufacturer of the drug and have left a message with 3 different departments about how to get a CPT code.

My sense after doing some digging is that I'm the first patient to have asked for this test since it was only approved in June of this year. The manufacturer called me back and said that it has been going on in Vegas and that Quest Diagnostics, the company I do lab work with is in fact doing that. So I called Quest and apparently there is more than 1 test so unless the Dr. calls the pathologist directly we don't know which CPT code is correct. What cracks me up and often frustrates me is that the front office staff is so rude they won't ask the Dr. to call and get the CPT code. You'd think they'd be more compassionate considering the kind of office they work in but I find it to be the exact office. They are some of the rudest people I've ever dealt with. If I can't find what I need before I have chemo next week I'll ask the Dr. to call. It's shouldn't be so hard all of the time.

Pioneering can be exhuasting. I think about our forefathers and all of the pictures I've seen of them where they look so serious and so stern. I have a book that has accounts from women on the Oregon trail. Their lives were so hard and so joyless. A sense of humor when you are blazing a new trail is so vital. How do you cultivate this? Humor has never been one of my fortes, I'm the serious type that takes it all so serious. Always have been. But more and more I am learning to laugh with the help of the universe. Sometimes these people give me the stupdiest answers that I can't help but laugh.

Yesterday I was going to the bathroom. When I pulled my underwear down I noticed quite a few hairs in my panties. Not knowing what to think I pulled on my pubic hair and a whole handfull came out. I started laughing. I'm sorry but Divine Mother has a preverse sense of humor. My hair has started falling out but it's started in the pubic area. How funny is that? It could have started anywhere but it started there.

Of course being the curious person that I am I then pulled on my head hair and a small patch came out. Keep in mind that it's not very long, maybe an eighth of an inch and so it looks like little whiskers coming out. So what I expected has come to pass. My hair is coming out. Pubic, head and underarm. My kids asked me to pull on my eyebrows and eyelashes but I refused as I'm hoping to keep these.

This morning I woke up with little snail trails on my head where the hair is starting to come out. In some ways it would be so much easier if you woke up and your body just ejected it all at one time but that would be too scary I guess. So I will get spottier and spottier as time goes on until I am as smooth as a babys butt. Perhaps my wig will come in handy for a while if I don't care for the spotty look.

I definitely feel like I'm blazing a new trail but I commit to keeping a smile on my face and not taking it all so stern and serious. Afterall, even God has a sense of humor and she proved it to me yesterday. It's a great day to be alive. Peace.

Living at a different pace...

Much life has been lived since the last time I posted. I saw Dr. Khiabani on Friday and had another fill up. I'm at 350ccs of saline which is a full B cup. I like it but really think if I get to choose that my frame needs a bit more to be in proportion. I am 5'9" after all and very hippy. I have an appointment to get another fill at the end of the month. That's the great thing though about designing my own life - I get to choose. I can get another fill and then if I decide it's too big I can have it taken out. Very cool!

Friday afternoon the girls and I hit the swapmeet and I bought myself a new wig. It's quite mermaidy and I think it looks very good. Wearing a wig is a wierd experience but I decided to wear it to the party this weekend since there will be many people that I do not know. The wig was a hit and the people who know me well didn't even realize it was a wig. That means I chose well because I've met some women that clearly were wearing wigs and I didn't want to be one of those.

Friday night all the kids were gone to various events and I had some time to myself. A family friend also flew into town late. On Saturday morning we dropped all of the kids off at various locations and Greg and I and friend drove to California for a 50th birthday party. We stopped in Mira Loma and I finally got to see the 2nd Fast Lap track there. It's very nice. I can see how Greg and Lew learned so much from the first track here and implemented what they learned on the 2nd track.

The 50th birthday party was lovely. Greg got very emotional and I think it finally hit him that he is no longer 18. I was surprised by his reaction because for me getting older has been a lovely experience. Clearly I did have moments where I felt old. Especially when I saw someone that I hadn't seen in 10 or 15 years and they told me their oldest was a sophmore at UCSB. I was at that kids baby shower. But overall it didn't devastate me the way it seemed to Greg. I wonder if it's different for men than women. Most women I talk to like getting older whereas many men seem to hit midlife and freak out, ditch the first wife, get a 20 year old babe and some sports car. Like changing all of those externals is going to make you happy on the inside.

We drove back from California on Sunday. It was a long drive and I was tired. Got home around 6pm to pick up the kids and then sit down to a family dinner. Of course take out Pizza isn't my favorite but it enabled us to sit down and visit together. The kids and I watched the classic movie Indiana Jones and Greg took friend to the airport. We were in bed by 10pm.

I've been feeling very tired since the end of last week. It's not a depressed tired but more like a fatigue tired. Little things like running to the store to pick up an item or some groceries is killer for me right now. Even 1 stop for 30 minutes wears me out. And if I don't get a nap forget it, I feel like I'm slogging through syrup. I can only assume that this is an aftermath of chemo and that it will only get worse. So...I've been pondering what it means to live at a slower pace. How do I give myself permission to sleep in and nap during the day. How do I give myself permission to say no to the kids more. No we can't go there because I'm tired. It's really about learning to live differently and realizing that this is only temporary. Perhaps if I remember that we are moving into the winter season, a time of hibernation, a time of letting go and shedding old ways that no longer work for us. The days are shorter and the nights longer as we move towards Winter Solstice so that it's easier to sleep and rest more because there is more night.

And yet living slowly can be very challenging at this time of year. I want to craft, bake and make gifts of the season. We didn't even carve pumpkins this year because I was too tired to drive to the store that had the best buy on pumpkins and wasn't willing to pay what my local market was charging. Are my kids deprived? Not by any means. But some of these traditions are being put by the wayside because of my fatigue and I don't have it in me right now to create new traditions. Do I feel guilty? No but I think sad that it has to be this way right now.

I thought that perhaps I could be more active on the weeks where I was more recouped after chemo but now I'm not so sure. This means continuing to ask others for help. How blessed am I?

It's a great day to be alive. The fall weather here is in full swing. Warm days in the 70s and cool nights in the 50s. I love this time of year. Normally I would be putting the garden to sleep, pulling the last of the weeds and trimming all of the trees as they get ready to sleep for the winter. Pomegranites are falling to the ground and I don't have the energy to make jelly or wine. This will have to wait.

It's a great day to be alive. I'm grateful for the opportunity to stay home and raise my children even if I'm not doing it perfectly. I'm grateful for the feel of the sun on my face but most of all I'm grateful for all of the amazing people that grace my life. Peace.