Timing is everything....

I had surgery on Monday and really this surgery was minor compared to what I've already been through. I was at the hospital by 6:30am and was ready and prepped by 7:30am. The Anesthesiologist was a little scary. He was an older man who was really into Mickey Mouse. He even had mickey ears on the head scarf he wore. He didn't seem thrilled with the healing affirmations I asked him to read and started talking about a catheter and how he might have to put one in. This made me nervous. It was like he had his own agenda that was totally different from mine. When Eileen, my OR nurse, wanted to wheel me into surgery I would not go until I had seen Dr. K. He breezed in at about 8:05am.

I think part of it for me was a need to see a reassuring face. We went through my concerns, he held my hand and said that the Anesthesiologist was not one of his guys but was instead someone that my insurance company had sent. We joked about the fact that the interns who were assisting him didn't even have wrinkles around his eyes.

I was wheeled into the OR fully awake and quite frankly I believe this is cruel and unusual punishment. I had already had 30 minutes to think about what was coming and at several points got emotional and started crying. Once I moved onto the operating table I was out fairly quickly. It looks like they inserted some additional IVs once I was under because my hand is all black and blue and there are multiple stick marks.

I awoke in recovery and felt pretty good, not nearly as beat up as I did when I had surgery in September. I drank some apple juice and once this happened was on my way to being discharged. Greg brought me home and I slept most of the day away.

Monday afternoon I awoke and found a letter from an organization called Casting for Recovery. I have been awarded a full paid spot at a 3 day retreat in May. This group works with breast cancer survivors and teaches attendees fly fishing. I was excited about this because it fits into my plan of looking for opportunities to be outside of my comfort zone.

Monday evening was uneventful until the phone rang at 12:30am. Greg said he had a problem, his car had been stolen. His beat up 1997 Honda Accord was not pretty nor in great shape but the reality is that it was ours and it was paid for and it got Greg where he needed/wanted to go. Quite a bit of personal information was in the car including keys to my house. It's amazing what the ripple affect on this has been. I have a locksmith here right now rekeying the locks to my home so I can sleep knowing that someone can't walk in with the key. Reality is that if someone wants to get in they will but at least I don't have to worry about them scoping it all out.
The car had been parked in front of the Wild Wild West and was there for 30 minutes or less. According to the police the 1997 Honda's are the #1 stolen vehicle in Las Vegas. They are so easy to steal the thieves only need a screw driver to drive them away.

I'm trying very hard to ride the wave of this chaos on the aftermath of my surgery. And while I am grateful for the fact that I am moving forward I'm frustrated today. This is a time of transformation but it feels like it will be an expensive transformation at that.

Today the bandages came off and I was able to shower. My new breasts look quite good. The implants are much more comfortable than the tissue expanders and I love the fact that my skins does not feel so taut. I'm a little sore and my biggest challenge other than remembering to breathe is to not overdo it. Guess it's time for a nap as soon as the locksmith leaves.

It's still a great day to be alive. Peace.

Perfection in the Imperfection

It's been a busy week. Late Tuesday afternoon I received a letter from my HMO telling me that my next round of surgery had been approved. When I called Dr. Khiabani's office early Wednesday morning, I was informed that I was in fact approved and scheduled for surgery on Monday morning at 8am. I have to admit that I felt a little shell shocked. I figured it would happen beginning of April but wasn't at all prepared for the fact that it would happen 5 days after approval. Instead of hanging on tight for dear life I decided to let go and say YES! I've spent the next 4 days trying to reschedule and rearrange my life so that I can be down for as long as is necessary. This is a skill that breast cancer has lovingly taught me - the ability to give myself permission to be down when I need to and not feel guilty.

I'm not really sure what to expect this time and that always makes it hard for a control freak. While I've certainly gotten better at letting go and riding the wave going into the unknown is always a learning experience. I've decided to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I've been told that this surgery will be minor compared to what I've already been through. The tissue expanders will be removed and the silicone implants will be put in. Dr. K. will cut on the same incisions that were created by Banich in the lumpectomy and mastectomies. I will go in tomorrow at 6:30am and will be home by Monday afternoon. I will be up in a few days and by the end of the week back to my normal routine minus any exercise that will stress my pectoral muscles. This will be off limits for the next 3-4 weeks.

I've spent some time online looking at pictures of reconstructed breasts wanting to really understand what I can expect. The reality is that while Dr. K. may be the best plastic surgeon ever I will always carry scars with me. And that's OK. I realized as I was sitting in church at Easter Service today that there is a kind of perfection in imperfection. If you look at the story of Mary Magdalene, she was searching for the Lord but didn't recognize him when he came to her and asked her why she was weeping. Often we look for Source in all the wrong places and when it's staring us in the face we miss it. I think Breast Cancer has certainly taught me this. It's all part of the divine plan - my life has not certainly taken a path that I expected but in this imperfect journey I have gained so much and changed so much.

I don't celebrate Easter but I do celebrate the birth of Spring. For me Easter and Spring are one and the same - a time of rebirth, renewal, new awareness, the promise of life. And so I look to this surgery with hope - it's a re birthing process for me. The skin has been stretched and my breasts will have a new life - they will be fake of course but they will be mine. I've earned them and designed them to my own specifications.

I've realized that I've almost reached the top of my breast cancer mountain and I'm starting to get a view of the valley below. It's breathtaking and magnificent! I am in awe by how far I have climbed. How did that happen? By putting one foot in front of the other and just climbing the next part of the trail I've almost reached the top. How glorious is that? This surgery is just another step on the trail.

So how can you support me during this time? Hold me in the light! I know that all is well and there is nothing that I need to do but allow this process to occur and know that everything is happening for my highest and greatest good. I trust that Dr. K. will be divinely inspired to help me create the most beautiful reconstructed breasts ever. These breasts are a symbol of my journey. I am held in the invisible hands of the divine and all is as it should be.

It's a great day to be alive! Happy spring. Namaste.

Jubilant Journey...

Where are you going? What is your destination?
Life is for journeying, not to stand and stay.
Life is a highroad. Life is for elation.
Walk through the wide doors, heart, be on your way!

Life is unfoldment. Life is a foment
Of thought and act and feeling. Life is
for growth.
Life is for forever. Life is for the moment.
Life is for living. Heart, be not loath.

For the jubilant journey! Give yourself to living.
Life is for discovery: Life is always new,
Not for the having and holding, but for giving.
Give yourself to life, and life will give itself
to you!

--James Dillet Freeman

Caution....Under Construction

My whole life is under construction. Not only am I in the midst of designing my own life and figuring out what I want to do with the rest of my life, my body is under construction as well.

Several weeks ago when I went to put on my mascara after not wearing any in a while I noticed that I only had 3 eyelashes left on the bottom of each eye. Then on Sunday morning when I was getting ready for church I noticed that all of the lashes in the bottom were growing back and they were tiny little pieces of lash. I think that was harder to put mascara on than the 3 long lashes.

While primping on Sunday my kids also pointed out lovingly that a large patch of my right eyebrow was missing. I guess this would make up for the patch on the left eyebrow that fell out and is now growing back. Nature is so symmetrical! What happens to one side must happen to the other I guess.

My hair is growing in nicely and I've decided that I really like it very short. It's very striking and very easy to take care of. I'm toying with the idea of keeping it this way for a while. Time will tell and I do reserve the right to change my mind. Perhaps I'm being influenced by the 80 degree weather we've been having.

I saw Dr. K on Friday and all looks good with my tissue expanders. We are ready to move forward on implants, the next step. I told him that I really wanted 450cc implants but wasn't willing to go through the pain of expansion. He said he could put 450s in but that they would be hard and tight and not as realistic. I've opted for the 400s because realistic is important to me. So my construction continues. I'm waiting to hear back from his office with a surgery date once they get the OK from insurance. Dr. K. says this one is a breeze compared to what I've already gone through and said I should be up and about in a week or less. He also lovingly reminded me that none of the scars I own he gave me. He hopes to use existing incision marks to cut me open once more. I am prayerful that HPN will be quick to give approval and I will have surgery sometime in April.

The road continues to be bumpy but not nearly as bumpy as before. It's a great day to be alive. Peace.

Sucking the marrow out of life...

I have not posted in a while because I have not had much to say. I have been very busy living my life and trying to figure how what kind of life I choose to create as a breast cancer survivor.

My amplichip test came back showing that I was an intermediate metabolizer. This meant I was a bit slower than normal (extensive) metabolizers but the long and the short of it is that the Oncologists don't know what this means if anything. I used a new technology and there isn't any recent data to show if a lesser dose for a person in my situation will do just as well as the standard dose of 20mg. So....I chose to start the tamoxifen and am taking 1 pill of 20mg per day. My hot flashes have come back since beginning the Tamoxifen but they are manageable although uncomfortable.

So what have I been doing? I have been mothering myself and my children. Finding ways to "do" life instead of just talking about the things I want to do. I have been exercising, cooking some, hanging my laundry on the line when the sun is shining and shuttling kids back and forth to activities. I have been dancing. I traveled to Salt Lake City with Stephen and Katie to attend a Forum and Family Ball. I have been reading and discussing and writing about what I read. I have been inspired to write an article and am getting ready to submit it to an educational newsletter that a friend publishes every quarter. Mostly I have been trying to figure out how to suck the marrow out of each day. How to live it to the fullest so that when my time comes I can meet creator and say with confidence that I used up everything that I was given and used it well. Peace.