Happy Anniversary to Me!

One year ago today I was diagnosed with Invasive Lobular Carcinoma. Who knew that despite the mountain it would create in my life that it would present me with many gifts. Some of those gifts are: knowing that I am truly loved, a new hairdo, bigger boobs, a sense of gratitude that I can't even explain for each day, the release of fear that held me back, new adventures, new friends, clarity on what is not working in my life.

When I reminded my husband that today was the anniversary of my diagnosis he said "is that really a day you want to celebrate?". My answer to that is yes. Cancer changed me, it closed some doors and opened many others. My new and "improved" life is just beginning. I am a changed woman and I am grateful.

It's a great day to be alive.
Peace.

Timing is everything....

I had surgery on Monday and really this surgery was minor compared to what I've already been through. I was at the hospital by 6:30am and was ready and prepped by 7:30am. The Anesthesiologist was a little scary. He was an older man who was really into Mickey Mouse. He even had mickey ears on the head scarf he wore. He didn't seem thrilled with the healing affirmations I asked him to read and started talking about a catheter and how he might have to put one in. This made me nervous. It was like he had his own agenda that was totally different from mine. When Eileen, my OR nurse, wanted to wheel me into surgery I would not go until I had seen Dr. K. He breezed in at about 8:05am.

I think part of it for me was a need to see a reassuring face. We went through my concerns, he held my hand and said that the Anesthesiologist was not one of his guys but was instead someone that my insurance company had sent. We joked about the fact that the interns who were assisting him didn't even have wrinkles around his eyes.

I was wheeled into the OR fully awake and quite frankly I believe this is cruel and unusual punishment. I had already had 30 minutes to think about what was coming and at several points got emotional and started crying. Once I moved onto the operating table I was out fairly quickly. It looks like they inserted some additional IVs once I was under because my hand is all black and blue and there are multiple stick marks.

I awoke in recovery and felt pretty good, not nearly as beat up as I did when I had surgery in September. I drank some apple juice and once this happened was on my way to being discharged. Greg brought me home and I slept most of the day away.

Monday afternoon I awoke and found a letter from an organization called Casting for Recovery. I have been awarded a full paid spot at a 3 day retreat in May. This group works with breast cancer survivors and teaches attendees fly fishing. I was excited about this because it fits into my plan of looking for opportunities to be outside of my comfort zone.

Monday evening was uneventful until the phone rang at 12:30am. Greg said he had a problem, his car had been stolen. His beat up 1997 Honda Accord was not pretty nor in great shape but the reality is that it was ours and it was paid for and it got Greg where he needed/wanted to go. Quite a bit of personal information was in the car including keys to my house. It's amazing what the ripple affect on this has been. I have a locksmith here right now rekeying the locks to my home so I can sleep knowing that someone can't walk in with the key. Reality is that if someone wants to get in they will but at least I don't have to worry about them scoping it all out.
The car had been parked in front of the Wild Wild West and was there for 30 minutes or less. According to the police the 1997 Honda's are the #1 stolen vehicle in Las Vegas. They are so easy to steal the thieves only need a screw driver to drive them away.

I'm trying very hard to ride the wave of this chaos on the aftermath of my surgery. And while I am grateful for the fact that I am moving forward I'm frustrated today. This is a time of transformation but it feels like it will be an expensive transformation at that.

Today the bandages came off and I was able to shower. My new breasts look quite good. The implants are much more comfortable than the tissue expanders and I love the fact that my skins does not feel so taut. I'm a little sore and my biggest challenge other than remembering to breathe is to not overdo it. Guess it's time for a nap as soon as the locksmith leaves.

It's still a great day to be alive. Peace.

Perfection in the Imperfection

It's been a busy week. Late Tuesday afternoon I received a letter from my HMO telling me that my next round of surgery had been approved. When I called Dr. Khiabani's office early Wednesday morning, I was informed that I was in fact approved and scheduled for surgery on Monday morning at 8am. I have to admit that I felt a little shell shocked. I figured it would happen beginning of April but wasn't at all prepared for the fact that it would happen 5 days after approval. Instead of hanging on tight for dear life I decided to let go and say YES! I've spent the next 4 days trying to reschedule and rearrange my life so that I can be down for as long as is necessary. This is a skill that breast cancer has lovingly taught me - the ability to give myself permission to be down when I need to and not feel guilty.

I'm not really sure what to expect this time and that always makes it hard for a control freak. While I've certainly gotten better at letting go and riding the wave going into the unknown is always a learning experience. I've decided to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I've been told that this surgery will be minor compared to what I've already been through. The tissue expanders will be removed and the silicone implants will be put in. Dr. K. will cut on the same incisions that were created by Banich in the lumpectomy and mastectomies. I will go in tomorrow at 6:30am and will be home by Monday afternoon. I will be up in a few days and by the end of the week back to my normal routine minus any exercise that will stress my pectoral muscles. This will be off limits for the next 3-4 weeks.

I've spent some time online looking at pictures of reconstructed breasts wanting to really understand what I can expect. The reality is that while Dr. K. may be the best plastic surgeon ever I will always carry scars with me. And that's OK. I realized as I was sitting in church at Easter Service today that there is a kind of perfection in imperfection. If you look at the story of Mary Magdalene, she was searching for the Lord but didn't recognize him when he came to her and asked her why she was weeping. Often we look for Source in all the wrong places and when it's staring us in the face we miss it. I think Breast Cancer has certainly taught me this. It's all part of the divine plan - my life has not certainly taken a path that I expected but in this imperfect journey I have gained so much and changed so much.

I don't celebrate Easter but I do celebrate the birth of Spring. For me Easter and Spring are one and the same - a time of rebirth, renewal, new awareness, the promise of life. And so I look to this surgery with hope - it's a re birthing process for me. The skin has been stretched and my breasts will have a new life - they will be fake of course but they will be mine. I've earned them and designed them to my own specifications.

I've realized that I've almost reached the top of my breast cancer mountain and I'm starting to get a view of the valley below. It's breathtaking and magnificent! I am in awe by how far I have climbed. How did that happen? By putting one foot in front of the other and just climbing the next part of the trail I've almost reached the top. How glorious is that? This surgery is just another step on the trail.

So how can you support me during this time? Hold me in the light! I know that all is well and there is nothing that I need to do but allow this process to occur and know that everything is happening for my highest and greatest good. I trust that Dr. K. will be divinely inspired to help me create the most beautiful reconstructed breasts ever. These breasts are a symbol of my journey. I am held in the invisible hands of the divine and all is as it should be.

It's a great day to be alive! Happy spring. Namaste.

Jubilant Journey...

Where are you going? What is your destination?
Life is for journeying, not to stand and stay.
Life is a highroad. Life is for elation.
Walk through the wide doors, heart, be on your way!

Life is unfoldment. Life is a foment
Of thought and act and feeling. Life is
for growth.
Life is for forever. Life is for the moment.
Life is for living. Heart, be not loath.

For the jubilant journey! Give yourself to living.
Life is for discovery: Life is always new,
Not for the having and holding, but for giving.
Give yourself to life, and life will give itself
to you!

--James Dillet Freeman

Caution....Under Construction

My whole life is under construction. Not only am I in the midst of designing my own life and figuring out what I want to do with the rest of my life, my body is under construction as well.

Several weeks ago when I went to put on my mascara after not wearing any in a while I noticed that I only had 3 eyelashes left on the bottom of each eye. Then on Sunday morning when I was getting ready for church I noticed that all of the lashes in the bottom were growing back and they were tiny little pieces of lash. I think that was harder to put mascara on than the 3 long lashes.

While primping on Sunday my kids also pointed out lovingly that a large patch of my right eyebrow was missing. I guess this would make up for the patch on the left eyebrow that fell out and is now growing back. Nature is so symmetrical! What happens to one side must happen to the other I guess.

My hair is growing in nicely and I've decided that I really like it very short. It's very striking and very easy to take care of. I'm toying with the idea of keeping it this way for a while. Time will tell and I do reserve the right to change my mind. Perhaps I'm being influenced by the 80 degree weather we've been having.

I saw Dr. K on Friday and all looks good with my tissue expanders. We are ready to move forward on implants, the next step. I told him that I really wanted 450cc implants but wasn't willing to go through the pain of expansion. He said he could put 450s in but that they would be hard and tight and not as realistic. I've opted for the 400s because realistic is important to me. So my construction continues. I'm waiting to hear back from his office with a surgery date once they get the OK from insurance. Dr. K. says this one is a breeze compared to what I've already gone through and said I should be up and about in a week or less. He also lovingly reminded me that none of the scars I own he gave me. He hopes to use existing incision marks to cut me open once more. I am prayerful that HPN will be quick to give approval and I will have surgery sometime in April.

The road continues to be bumpy but not nearly as bumpy as before. It's a great day to be alive. Peace.

Sucking the marrow out of life...

I have not posted in a while because I have not had much to say. I have been very busy living my life and trying to figure how what kind of life I choose to create as a breast cancer survivor.

My amplichip test came back showing that I was an intermediate metabolizer. This meant I was a bit slower than normal (extensive) metabolizers but the long and the short of it is that the Oncologists don't know what this means if anything. I used a new technology and there isn't any recent data to show if a lesser dose for a person in my situation will do just as well as the standard dose of 20mg. So....I chose to start the tamoxifen and am taking 1 pill of 20mg per day. My hot flashes have come back since beginning the Tamoxifen but they are manageable although uncomfortable.

So what have I been doing? I have been mothering myself and my children. Finding ways to "do" life instead of just talking about the things I want to do. I have been exercising, cooking some, hanging my laundry on the line when the sun is shining and shuttling kids back and forth to activities. I have been dancing. I traveled to Salt Lake City with Stephen and Katie to attend a Forum and Family Ball. I have been reading and discussing and writing about what I read. I have been inspired to write an article and am getting ready to submit it to an educational newsletter that a friend publishes every quarter. Mostly I have been trying to figure out how to suck the marrow out of each day. How to live it to the fullest so that when my time comes I can meet creator and say with confidence that I used up everything that I was given and used it well. Peace.

Cancer as The Real Thing...

Today I was sitting in church and had a very metaphysical experience. This in itself is not unusual for me for I am often touched in church by the music or the message which is why I go. Perhaps the music opened me up first for when the women singing on stage sang about looking at a sleeping baby and being rocked in the hands of God I started bawling. My girls of course thought I had lost my marbles and immediately said "Mom what's wrong with you?" Nothing was wrong with me, in fact I was great. The music and lyrics opened my heart and soul in a new way, in a way that often doesn't happen because I am distracted by the busyness of life.

So while the minister was talking I had a thought. Breast Cancer for me was the real thing. It was the good stuff of God because it provided an opportunity for me to open my heart, hands and head to embrace life differently. It was a defining moment in my life. It began a process of transformation - a time of growth and change...a caterpillar transforming into a beautiful butterfly. A young woman claiming her power and creating the life of her dreams.

Understand that I believe we all have these transforming moments in our lives. However, some of us miss them. Why? We get distracted of course. I was fortunate that my beloved Creator chose to knock me over the head this time with a hammer so I'd really see it for what it was. I am transfigured. To be transfigured is to claim the authority of the change now even if it's still in process. And I choose to claim this for myself.

During the last 8 months I've received many standing ovations from my beloved family and friends. My cheering squad was very loud and for this I am grateful because it sustained me at times. We are each one of us special and we deserve a standing ovation at least once in our lives so how lucky am I that I have received more than one?! Yep, Breast Cancer was the real thing...

It's a great day to be alive! Peace, Lisa B.

Happy Graduation Day!

Yesterday I graduated from active cancer treatment. I had my arm port removed at 8:00am. I was quite nervous when I arrived at 7:40am for my appointment since putting the port in had been more traumatic than I anticipated. When I had the port put in I did not take any drugs and looking back on it that was a mistake. I told the nurse that I wanted something to help me relax but didn't want to be loopy. Apparently they give Valium when they remove the port so I asked for a 1/2 dose. This was perfect for me. Enough to relax me but not enough to make be fight it - control freaks don't do drugs well you know! After they got me on the table and draped me, the Dr. numbed me and then removed the port. I think it took all of 5 minutes. In fact, it took longer to sew me up than to remove the port. The tech assisting was a Philippino woman and she sewed me up with all the sutures on the inside unlike the first time. It will take 7-10 days to heal. I was done by 9:08am.

Who knew that the port was made of Titanium, I didn't. And the catheter portion is huge when you consider that this lays inside your vein. Our bodies are so amazing and treatment can be so hard on them. Be sure to check out the pic I posted.

I am well thanks to a little help from my friends. Last night I throbbed much but today the throbbing has dissipated. I must admit though that I am sore and tender. My poor arm - they used the same incision line so it now has to heal itself in the same place a second time. Of course this will slow me down again but I go back tomorrow to have the dressing changed and I am hoping to get the grren light for getting back on my Yoga mat.

So Happy Graduation to me! I did it. I journeyed into the unknown again, honored my feelings and my body and survived. It's a great day to be alive. Peace.

The cleansing power of the rain...

We awoke here in Las Vegas to beautiful rain. Actually it had been raining all night. Have you ever noticed that you sleep deeply and longer when it rains? I love going outside into nature and smelling the rain. My kids inform me that it smells so good not because the rain has washed all the dirt and dust away but because the rain actually opens up the spores that have been silently waiting for the rain. Whatever the case, the desert is so beautiful after a good, deep rain (a rarity here in Las Vegas) and I sense that the spring flowering will be extra beautiful this year because of this good rain.

The rain also reminds me of what Anne says in Anne of Green Gables. "Tommorrow is a new day without any mistakes in it." Reality is that each day is a new day and we can take a do over at any time we choose - In the moment, in the hour, in the day, in the month and in the year. But somehow the rain really makes it feel new and fresh. For me the do over is about finding peace amid chaos. I've learned that I'm not good with chaos because chaos means being out of control. I hate being out of control, it's not ordered at all. I've become painfully aware of several things in the last few weeks. 1) I carry a knot around in my body where ever I go, this knot is not a good thing and 2) I've been struggling with the emptiness that I feel now that my life is not laser focused on cancer treatment.

For the last 8 months I've known exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I was either researching my diagnosis, getting second opinions, getting surgeries or having various treatments. That is all over and while I will continue to make some decisions about drugs, etc. most of that is over now. There's been an incredible emptiness that has come with that. My time is my own again and how do I want to spend it. I have striven to keep my calendar open, not quite as open as it was when I was undergoing chemo, but more open than it was before. Time to read, to ponder, to read aloud to my kids, time to be.

In this emptiness I've decided to sit. Knowing that this is a time of transition and shifting and it's OK not to know at this exact moment where my path will lead next.
In addition, I've decided that I must find a regular spiritual practice that will help me release the knot I carry around on a daily basis. This practice is something that I'm committed to doing whether I feel like it or not. The knot was gone while I underwent treatment but it's amazing how quickly it came back afterwards. Perhaps much of it is stress but nonetheless it's disconcerting and brought up many fears that I hadn't gotten the lessons that cancer was supposed to teach me. I so want to get those lessons for I choose a different path for the future - one that doesn't include cancer.

For me Yoga has always been a moving meditation, something very spiritual and energizing, so right now Yoga makes the most sense for me. I'm happy to report that I've been on the mat 6 days this week in addition to doing some walking and some cardio workouts as well. I found a great online site www.myyogaonline.com. It's a site where I can pay $10 per month (that's less than one yoga class) and take all kinds of yoga classes via my laptop. What I really like about it too is that many of the classes are 20 -40 mintues. This is doable in this homeschooling Mom's life. I've been on the mat upon awaking and before retiring. Much of my mat time has been after 9pm after I've tucked the kids in and had a few minutes in the spa to relax my tired muscles. And yet I've managed to be in bed with lights out by 10pm every night this week so I'm getting 9 hours of sleep per night.

And you know what? That knot is not as big since I've been on the mat. My body is hurting because it's being strengthened and moving in new ways. Also it's still healing from surgery and treatment so it complains often but it feels so good to be moving again. I'm very aware that moving my body this way as well as having great cardio health is very much a part of my future. I took this for granted in the past and choose not to do so in the future. I'd have to say that cancer has given me a new appreciation for my beautiful body.

Since it's Sunday, the girls and I went to a new church. We've been shopping for a new church ever since out little church called Barefoot Ministries disbanded several months ago. We revisited the UU church here (we'd checked it out when we first moved here), Church of Religious Science and today we went to the Unity Church of the desert. What a nice energy this church had and the best part is that they have 5-7 young adults that attend services and the RE program there. The reality for me is that I can get what I need at many churches but I'm looking for a church that has a program for my youth. A program that helps them explore who they are, what they believe in and where they stand. A program that will give them the footing they need to stand strong in life. Moreover, I want a program that I don't have to be in charge of since I'm the primary teacher at home. I think we'll be back to this church so we can check it out further.

All in all it's a great day to be alive. The rains have cleansed not only the desert but me as well. I look forward to the spring as I continue to bloom on my journey.
Peace.

Shifting Sands....

It's been a hard week. We were hit hard by the respiratory infection that we all got last week. The flu like symptoms that hit on Thursday last week moved into cough, stuffy nose and general cold like stuff. By Tuesday I thought we were never going to get better and felt so bad that my kids sounded like barking seals and everything I was doing was not making a difference. Just when I was at my whits end though we awoke Wednesday to everyone sounding so much better, the coughs sounding looser and I knew we had seen the light at the end of the tunnel. Isn't that the way life is though? When we start to loose hope something will shift for us and we see the path again.

I keep forgetting this truth. I've been struggling with life - where am I, what am I supposed to feel and what am I supposed to be doing? My focus was so narrow for so long there is a kind of let down now that the hardest stuff is over. I've climbed the mountain and while I am still navigating my way down the hardest part is over. So I'm struggling. Of course reality is that I am supposed to be being not doing but I'm not good at that part of life. I've become better but I've got ways to go.

Yesterday I saw Dr. Q. My first visit with the oncologist since last chemo. Everything looks good. My blood count is better than last time, on the low side of normal. This would account for why I still feel so tired and have to be careful but compared to where I've been and what my body has gone through I am doing so well. My hemoglobin was at 11, my baseline is 14. It will take time for my body to get back to that place but it will in time. Dr. Q. talked up the Tamoxifen and suggested that I go off the Lupron. She indicated that part of my problems are the lack of estrogen in my body - there is none period - we've turned it off at the faucett. She indicated that Tamoxifen would allow the estrogen to be in the body but would block it from attaching to cancer cells. I'm not sure I buy her story at this point because many women that I've talked to who are taking it have some problems I'm having.

When I had my blood drawn on Wednesday in prep for seeing the Doc I also had the blood drawn for the Amplichip test. This is sent out to specialty labs so it will take about 2 weeks to get the results of this test. I asked Dr. Q. to call me when test results came in so I had time to research before I see her next month. She laughed and said I know. Tamoxifen has such nasty side affects - uterine cancer, blood clots. Meanwhile she has ordered the port to be removed and I am awaiting an appointment. I think I will take the sedative this time since the insertion was so much harder than I expected.

I'm hopeful that next week I will be able to breathe well enough to try exercising again. Perhaps the key is keeping my calendar with lots of open spots so I have time to rest and find a new rhythm. I long for a great yoga class.

My beloved friend Deborah reminded me today that whenever we are shifting in our life it's normally to feel funky and unsure. I have gone through an incredible adventure and the shifts are momentous I'm sure. Perhaps part of this process is allowing time to sort through them. I'll ponder on that a bit longer I think.

It's a great day to be alive. So much and so many to be grateful for. Tommorrow morning the kids and I go to watch the Republican caucus and see what it's all about. Peace.

The Ugly Duckling Phase...

I've decided that this part of my life is the Ugly Duckling phase. I'm still creating the life I want but there are definite growing pains. For example, my hair is growing back but it seems to me that it's only about 1/3 of what it was before. Greg lovingly calls it the Addis condition. My hair is so thin that you can see my scalp no matter what...talk about looking like my dad - sorry Grandpa Frank but it's true. I also have a lot more gray hairs than I did before and the grays are growing faster than the rest of the hair. In talking to some other women it can take up to 3 months for the hair to really come in and even then there are no guarantees. Apparently one of the chemo drugs that I took (the taxatere) can cause permanent hair loss. While that is not what I choose once again this is unknown territory. When I look in the mirror I am a different woman on many levels. Who am I?

I'm also finding at this stage that I have to crawl when I want to run. We started back up our homeschooling and activities this week. Of course the kids expect me to be 100% but I'm finding that difficult. In their minds chemo is over so what is the problem. My mission is to figure out how to balance mindfully caring for myself verses facilitating the support that the kids need. I had days this week where I did well and other days where I did not do this well at all. All of the helping with schoolwork, household responsibilities, running to activities and general life distractions were too much and I went to bed thinking that I hadn't balanced well that particular day.

I also tried exercising this week. Wow - use it or lose it is so true! My body ached and groaned in ways I haven't experienced in a long time. 25 minutes was a lot for me. I could feel my tissue expanders with every move I made. My arms quivered with each push up I attempted. I was out of breath. It felt good to move but I decided that I have to work into the daily exercise routine. I tried doing every other day and was good until I had a relapse of my bronchial infection later in the week.

And then we all got sick. It started on Thursday when my son complained that he was tired and achy. Before I knew it everyone had a mild flu and I was coughing again. For me it's the same upper respiratory infection that I had after my last chemo. Not as bad as last time but definitely enough to slow me down. And admittedly while I know that physically I have to go slower that pisses me off. My life had been on hold for the last 8 months while I dealt with that "C" thing. Now I want to run. But the reality of it all is that the last 8 months have been my life and perhaps I need to change my thinking and realize that this hasn't been a detour at all but a turning point in my life.

I did move some major chi this week. Greg bought me a new Honda Odyssey minivan for Christmas and I sold my old van on Monday. Posted it on Craig's list and had someone drive all the way from Bullhead City, AZ to buy it. Had been planning on using that $ to buy new furniture for the family room so by that night I had bought a nice set at a scratch and dent place - chocolate brown leather sofa, loveseat and recliner. I like it very much and it felt good to choose my own.

So I continue the journey. Trying to accept and really understand the fact that all is as it should be, that whatever I do or don't do on a given day is fine. My goal is to get to a point where I no longer beat myself up for what I should or shouldn't be doing. I just do and know that it's OK. And I will continue to crawl until I can run. It's a great day to be alive. Peace.

Happy Belated New Year!

On New Year's Day I thought "Wow, this is the first day of the rest of my life". Of course this set me to pondering about my life and what I'd like to create. I finished my last chemotherapy on Dec. 26th. I woke up that day with a head cold (my kids had been sick the previous week) and wondered if I should take chemo. Of course part of me screamed "don't do it" while the other part said "get it over with". The nurses said provided I didn't have a fever or headache I could still take it. Lucky me!

It went off without a hitch and I felt fine until Friday - 2 days later. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks and I was in bed thinking I was going to die. Each day I got a bit better but it's amazing how slow the body is to heal with all those nasty poisons going in. I didn't have so much nausea but I did develop a terrible rash on my hands that is only now starting to heal. After being in bed for 5 days I did venture out for New Years Eve and rang in the New Year with my beloved friend Tracy and her family and friends in their new home.

On New Years Day I took the girls to see the Met's production of Hansel and Gretel. We really enjoyed it, even more so than the Magic Flute that we saw last year. I love that the Met is now broadcasting via satellite their performances. I"m not sure I would have ever seen an opera otherwise.

Nausea came after New Years but is dissapating now as is the head cold. My goal for now is to rebuild my body and my strength. In speaking to one of my naturopath's he said I want you to go slow, rest, eat well and exercise. It all sounds so easy and there is a part of me that feels like I should be doing more. He said "Lisa I know you, you want to go out and conquer the world right away." And of course he is right, my life feels like it's been on hold for the last 8 months.

Today I exercised for the first time in months - other than walking when I can. I was winded easily and felt very out of shape. I know it will come in time but how frustrating it is. This is the first item on my list for the rest of my life. There are many more and I will share them as they come up.

It's cold, windy and rainy here. I'm off to take my dogs for a run on my bike with my husband. Then clean up my old van to ready for sale since I bought myself a new Honda Odyssey for Christmas with all the bells and whistles. It's a great day to be alive and I choose to live each moment today as if it is my last. Peace...