Yesterday I graduated from active cancer treatment. I had my arm port removed at 8:00am. I was quite nervous when I arrived at 7:40am for my appointment since putting the port in had been more traumatic than I anticipated. When I had the port put in I did not take any drugs and looking back on it that was a mistake. I told the nurse that I wanted something to help me relax but didn't want to be loopy. Apparently they give Valium when they remove the port so I asked for a 1/2 dose. This was perfect for me. Enough to relax me but not enough to make be fight it - control freaks don't do drugs well you know! After they got me on the table and draped me, the Dr. numbed me and then removed the port. I think it took all of 5 minutes. In fact, it took longer to sew me up than to remove the port. The tech assisting was a Philippino woman and she sewed me up with all the sutures on the inside unlike the first time. It will take 7-10 days to heal. I was done by 9:08am.
Who knew that the port was made of Titanium, I didn't. And the catheter portion is huge when you consider that this lays inside your vein. Our bodies are so amazing and treatment can be so hard on them. Be sure to check out the pic I posted.
I am well thanks to a little help from my friends. Last night I throbbed much but today the throbbing has dissipated. I must admit though that I am sore and tender. My poor arm - they used the same incision line so it now has to heal itself in the same place a second time. Of course this will slow me down again but I go back tomorrow to have the dressing changed and I am hoping to get the grren light for getting back on my Yoga mat.
So Happy Graduation to me! I did it. I journeyed into the unknown again, honored my feelings and my body and survived. It's a great day to be alive. Peace.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
The cleansing power of the rain...
We awoke here in Las Vegas to beautiful rain. Actually it had been raining all night. Have you ever noticed that you sleep deeply and longer when it rains? I love going outside into nature and smelling the rain. My kids inform me that it smells so good not because the rain has washed all the dirt and dust away but because the rain actually opens up the spores that have been silently waiting for the rain. Whatever the case, the desert is so beautiful after a good, deep rain (a rarity here in Las Vegas) and I sense that the spring flowering will be extra beautiful this year because of this good rain.
The rain also reminds me of what Anne says in Anne of Green Gables. "Tommorrow is a new day without any mistakes in it." Reality is that each day is a new day and we can take a do over at any time we choose - In the moment, in the hour, in the day, in the month and in the year. But somehow the rain really makes it feel new and fresh. For me the do over is about finding peace amid chaos. I've learned that I'm not good with chaos because chaos means being out of control. I hate being out of control, it's not ordered at all. I've become painfully aware of several things in the last few weeks. 1) I carry a knot around in my body where ever I go, this knot is not a good thing and 2) I've been struggling with the emptiness that I feel now that my life is not laser focused on cancer treatment.
For the last 8 months I've known exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I was either researching my diagnosis, getting second opinions, getting surgeries or having various treatments. That is all over and while I will continue to make some decisions about drugs, etc. most of that is over now. There's been an incredible emptiness that has come with that. My time is my own again and how do I want to spend it. I have striven to keep my calendar open, not quite as open as it was when I was undergoing chemo, but more open than it was before. Time to read, to ponder, to read aloud to my kids, time to be.
In this emptiness I've decided to sit. Knowing that this is a time of transition and shifting and it's OK not to know at this exact moment where my path will lead next.
In addition, I've decided that I must find a regular spiritual practice that will help me release the knot I carry around on a daily basis. This practice is something that I'm committed to doing whether I feel like it or not. The knot was gone while I underwent treatment but it's amazing how quickly it came back afterwards. Perhaps much of it is stress but nonetheless it's disconcerting and brought up many fears that I hadn't gotten the lessons that cancer was supposed to teach me. I so want to get those lessons for I choose a different path for the future - one that doesn't include cancer.
For me Yoga has always been a moving meditation, something very spiritual and energizing, so right now Yoga makes the most sense for me. I'm happy to report that I've been on the mat 6 days this week in addition to doing some walking and some cardio workouts as well. I found a great online site www.myyogaonline.com. It's a site where I can pay $10 per month (that's less than one yoga class) and take all kinds of yoga classes via my laptop. What I really like about it too is that many of the classes are 20 -40 mintues. This is doable in this homeschooling Mom's life. I've been on the mat upon awaking and before retiring. Much of my mat time has been after 9pm after I've tucked the kids in and had a few minutes in the spa to relax my tired muscles. And yet I've managed to be in bed with lights out by 10pm every night this week so I'm getting 9 hours of sleep per night.
And you know what? That knot is not as big since I've been on the mat. My body is hurting because it's being strengthened and moving in new ways. Also it's still healing from surgery and treatment so it complains often but it feels so good to be moving again. I'm very aware that moving my body this way as well as having great cardio health is very much a part of my future. I took this for granted in the past and choose not to do so in the future. I'd have to say that cancer has given me a new appreciation for my beautiful body.
Since it's Sunday, the girls and I went to a new church. We've been shopping for a new church ever since out little church called Barefoot Ministries disbanded several months ago. We revisited the UU church here (we'd checked it out when we first moved here), Church of Religious Science and today we went to the Unity Church of the desert. What a nice energy this church had and the best part is that they have 5-7 young adults that attend services and the RE program there. The reality for me is that I can get what I need at many churches but I'm looking for a church that has a program for my youth. A program that helps them explore who they are, what they believe in and where they stand. A program that will give them the footing they need to stand strong in life. Moreover, I want a program that I don't have to be in charge of since I'm the primary teacher at home. I think we'll be back to this church so we can check it out further.
All in all it's a great day to be alive. The rains have cleansed not only the desert but me as well. I look forward to the spring as I continue to bloom on my journey.
Peace.
The rain also reminds me of what Anne says in Anne of Green Gables. "Tommorrow is a new day without any mistakes in it." Reality is that each day is a new day and we can take a do over at any time we choose - In the moment, in the hour, in the day, in the month and in the year. But somehow the rain really makes it feel new and fresh. For me the do over is about finding peace amid chaos. I've learned that I'm not good with chaos because chaos means being out of control. I hate being out of control, it's not ordered at all. I've become painfully aware of several things in the last few weeks. 1) I carry a knot around in my body where ever I go, this knot is not a good thing and 2) I've been struggling with the emptiness that I feel now that my life is not laser focused on cancer treatment.
For the last 8 months I've known exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I was either researching my diagnosis, getting second opinions, getting surgeries or having various treatments. That is all over and while I will continue to make some decisions about drugs, etc. most of that is over now. There's been an incredible emptiness that has come with that. My time is my own again and how do I want to spend it. I have striven to keep my calendar open, not quite as open as it was when I was undergoing chemo, but more open than it was before. Time to read, to ponder, to read aloud to my kids, time to be.
In this emptiness I've decided to sit. Knowing that this is a time of transition and shifting and it's OK not to know at this exact moment where my path will lead next.
In addition, I've decided that I must find a regular spiritual practice that will help me release the knot I carry around on a daily basis. This practice is something that I'm committed to doing whether I feel like it or not. The knot was gone while I underwent treatment but it's amazing how quickly it came back afterwards. Perhaps much of it is stress but nonetheless it's disconcerting and brought up many fears that I hadn't gotten the lessons that cancer was supposed to teach me. I so want to get those lessons for I choose a different path for the future - one that doesn't include cancer.
For me Yoga has always been a moving meditation, something very spiritual and energizing, so right now Yoga makes the most sense for me. I'm happy to report that I've been on the mat 6 days this week in addition to doing some walking and some cardio workouts as well. I found a great online site www.myyogaonline.com. It's a site where I can pay $10 per month (that's less than one yoga class) and take all kinds of yoga classes via my laptop. What I really like about it too is that many of the classes are 20 -40 mintues. This is doable in this homeschooling Mom's life. I've been on the mat upon awaking and before retiring. Much of my mat time has been after 9pm after I've tucked the kids in and had a few minutes in the spa to relax my tired muscles. And yet I've managed to be in bed with lights out by 10pm every night this week so I'm getting 9 hours of sleep per night.
And you know what? That knot is not as big since I've been on the mat. My body is hurting because it's being strengthened and moving in new ways. Also it's still healing from surgery and treatment so it complains often but it feels so good to be moving again. I'm very aware that moving my body this way as well as having great cardio health is very much a part of my future. I took this for granted in the past and choose not to do so in the future. I'd have to say that cancer has given me a new appreciation for my beautiful body.
Since it's Sunday, the girls and I went to a new church. We've been shopping for a new church ever since out little church called Barefoot Ministries disbanded several months ago. We revisited the UU church here (we'd checked it out when we first moved here), Church of Religious Science and today we went to the Unity Church of the desert. What a nice energy this church had and the best part is that they have 5-7 young adults that attend services and the RE program there. The reality for me is that I can get what I need at many churches but I'm looking for a church that has a program for my youth. A program that helps them explore who they are, what they believe in and where they stand. A program that will give them the footing they need to stand strong in life. Moreover, I want a program that I don't have to be in charge of since I'm the primary teacher at home. I think we'll be back to this church so we can check it out further.
All in all it's a great day to be alive. The rains have cleansed not only the desert but me as well. I look forward to the spring as I continue to bloom on my journey.
Peace.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Shifting Sands....
It's been a hard week. We were hit hard by the respiratory infection that we all got last week. The flu like symptoms that hit on Thursday last week moved into cough, stuffy nose and general cold like stuff. By Tuesday I thought we were never going to get better and felt so bad that my kids sounded like barking seals and everything I was doing was not making a difference. Just when I was at my whits end though we awoke Wednesday to everyone sounding so much better, the coughs sounding looser and I knew we had seen the light at the end of the tunnel. Isn't that the way life is though? When we start to loose hope something will shift for us and we see the path again.
I keep forgetting this truth. I've been struggling with life - where am I, what am I supposed to feel and what am I supposed to be doing? My focus was so narrow for so long there is a kind of let down now that the hardest stuff is over. I've climbed the mountain and while I am still navigating my way down the hardest part is over. So I'm struggling. Of course reality is that I am supposed to be being not doing but I'm not good at that part of life. I've become better but I've got ways to go.
Yesterday I saw Dr. Q. My first visit with the oncologist since last chemo. Everything looks good. My blood count is better than last time, on the low side of normal. This would account for why I still feel so tired and have to be careful but compared to where I've been and what my body has gone through I am doing so well. My hemoglobin was at 11, my baseline is 14. It will take time for my body to get back to that place but it will in time. Dr. Q. talked up the Tamoxifen and suggested that I go off the Lupron. She indicated that part of my problems are the lack of estrogen in my body - there is none period - we've turned it off at the faucett. She indicated that Tamoxifen would allow the estrogen to be in the body but would block it from attaching to cancer cells. I'm not sure I buy her story at this point because many women that I've talked to who are taking it have some problems I'm having.
When I had my blood drawn on Wednesday in prep for seeing the Doc I also had the blood drawn for the Amplichip test. This is sent out to specialty labs so it will take about 2 weeks to get the results of this test. I asked Dr. Q. to call me when test results came in so I had time to research before I see her next month. She laughed and said I know. Tamoxifen has such nasty side affects - uterine cancer, blood clots. Meanwhile she has ordered the port to be removed and I am awaiting an appointment. I think I will take the sedative this time since the insertion was so much harder than I expected.
I'm hopeful that next week I will be able to breathe well enough to try exercising again. Perhaps the key is keeping my calendar with lots of open spots so I have time to rest and find a new rhythm. I long for a great yoga class.
My beloved friend Deborah reminded me today that whenever we are shifting in our life it's normally to feel funky and unsure. I have gone through an incredible adventure and the shifts are momentous I'm sure. Perhaps part of this process is allowing time to sort through them. I'll ponder on that a bit longer I think.
It's a great day to be alive. So much and so many to be grateful for. Tommorrow morning the kids and I go to watch the Republican caucus and see what it's all about. Peace.
I keep forgetting this truth. I've been struggling with life - where am I, what am I supposed to feel and what am I supposed to be doing? My focus was so narrow for so long there is a kind of let down now that the hardest stuff is over. I've climbed the mountain and while I am still navigating my way down the hardest part is over. So I'm struggling. Of course reality is that I am supposed to be being not doing but I'm not good at that part of life. I've become better but I've got ways to go.
Yesterday I saw Dr. Q. My first visit with the oncologist since last chemo. Everything looks good. My blood count is better than last time, on the low side of normal. This would account for why I still feel so tired and have to be careful but compared to where I've been and what my body has gone through I am doing so well. My hemoglobin was at 11, my baseline is 14. It will take time for my body to get back to that place but it will in time. Dr. Q. talked up the Tamoxifen and suggested that I go off the Lupron. She indicated that part of my problems are the lack of estrogen in my body - there is none period - we've turned it off at the faucett. She indicated that Tamoxifen would allow the estrogen to be in the body but would block it from attaching to cancer cells. I'm not sure I buy her story at this point because many women that I've talked to who are taking it have some problems I'm having.
When I had my blood drawn on Wednesday in prep for seeing the Doc I also had the blood drawn for the Amplichip test. This is sent out to specialty labs so it will take about 2 weeks to get the results of this test. I asked Dr. Q. to call me when test results came in so I had time to research before I see her next month. She laughed and said I know. Tamoxifen has such nasty side affects - uterine cancer, blood clots. Meanwhile she has ordered the port to be removed and I am awaiting an appointment. I think I will take the sedative this time since the insertion was so much harder than I expected.
I'm hopeful that next week I will be able to breathe well enough to try exercising again. Perhaps the key is keeping my calendar with lots of open spots so I have time to rest and find a new rhythm. I long for a great yoga class.
My beloved friend Deborah reminded me today that whenever we are shifting in our life it's normally to feel funky and unsure. I have gone through an incredible adventure and the shifts are momentous I'm sure. Perhaps part of this process is allowing time to sort through them. I'll ponder on that a bit longer I think.
It's a great day to be alive. So much and so many to be grateful for. Tommorrow morning the kids and I go to watch the Republican caucus and see what it's all about. Peace.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
The Ugly Duckling Phase...
I've decided that this part of my life is the Ugly Duckling phase. I'm still creating the life I want but there are definite growing pains. For example, my hair is growing back but it seems to me that it's only about 1/3 of what it was before. Greg lovingly calls it the Addis condition. My hair is so thin that you can see my scalp no matter what...talk about looking like my dad - sorry Grandpa Frank but it's true. I also have a lot more gray hairs than I did before and the grays are growing faster than the rest of the hair. In talking to some other women it can take up to 3 months for the hair to really come in and even then there are no guarantees. Apparently one of the chemo drugs that I took (the taxatere) can cause permanent hair loss. While that is not what I choose once again this is unknown territory. When I look in the mirror I am a different woman on many levels. Who am I?
I'm also finding at this stage that I have to crawl when I want to run. We started back up our homeschooling and activities this week. Of course the kids expect me to be 100% but I'm finding that difficult. In their minds chemo is over so what is the problem. My mission is to figure out how to balance mindfully caring for myself verses facilitating the support that the kids need. I had days this week where I did well and other days where I did not do this well at all. All of the helping with schoolwork, household responsibilities, running to activities and general life distractions were too much and I went to bed thinking that I hadn't balanced well that particular day.
I also tried exercising this week. Wow - use it or lose it is so true! My body ached and groaned in ways I haven't experienced in a long time. 25 minutes was a lot for me. I could feel my tissue expanders with every move I made. My arms quivered with each push up I attempted. I was out of breath. It felt good to move but I decided that I have to work into the daily exercise routine. I tried doing every other day and was good until I had a relapse of my bronchial infection later in the week.
And then we all got sick. It started on Thursday when my son complained that he was tired and achy. Before I knew it everyone had a mild flu and I was coughing again. For me it's the same upper respiratory infection that I had after my last chemo. Not as bad as last time but definitely enough to slow me down. And admittedly while I know that physically I have to go slower that pisses me off. My life had been on hold for the last 8 months while I dealt with that "C" thing. Now I want to run. But the reality of it all is that the last 8 months have been my life and perhaps I need to change my thinking and realize that this hasn't been a detour at all but a turning point in my life.
I did move some major chi this week. Greg bought me a new Honda Odyssey minivan for Christmas and I sold my old van on Monday. Posted it on Craig's list and had someone drive all the way from Bullhead City, AZ to buy it. Had been planning on using that $ to buy new furniture for the family room so by that night I had bought a nice set at a scratch and dent place - chocolate brown leather sofa, loveseat and recliner. I like it very much and it felt good to choose my own.
So I continue the journey. Trying to accept and really understand the fact that all is as it should be, that whatever I do or don't do on a given day is fine. My goal is to get to a point where I no longer beat myself up for what I should or shouldn't be doing. I just do and know that it's OK. And I will continue to crawl until I can run. It's a great day to be alive. Peace.
I'm also finding at this stage that I have to crawl when I want to run. We started back up our homeschooling and activities this week. Of course the kids expect me to be 100% but I'm finding that difficult. In their minds chemo is over so what is the problem. My mission is to figure out how to balance mindfully caring for myself verses facilitating the support that the kids need. I had days this week where I did well and other days where I did not do this well at all. All of the helping with schoolwork, household responsibilities, running to activities and general life distractions were too much and I went to bed thinking that I hadn't balanced well that particular day.
I also tried exercising this week. Wow - use it or lose it is so true! My body ached and groaned in ways I haven't experienced in a long time. 25 minutes was a lot for me. I could feel my tissue expanders with every move I made. My arms quivered with each push up I attempted. I was out of breath. It felt good to move but I decided that I have to work into the daily exercise routine. I tried doing every other day and was good until I had a relapse of my bronchial infection later in the week.
And then we all got sick. It started on Thursday when my son complained that he was tired and achy. Before I knew it everyone had a mild flu and I was coughing again. For me it's the same upper respiratory infection that I had after my last chemo. Not as bad as last time but definitely enough to slow me down. And admittedly while I know that physically I have to go slower that pisses me off. My life had been on hold for the last 8 months while I dealt with that "C" thing. Now I want to run. But the reality of it all is that the last 8 months have been my life and perhaps I need to change my thinking and realize that this hasn't been a detour at all but a turning point in my life.
I did move some major chi this week. Greg bought me a new Honda Odyssey minivan for Christmas and I sold my old van on Monday. Posted it on Craig's list and had someone drive all the way from Bullhead City, AZ to buy it. Had been planning on using that $ to buy new furniture for the family room so by that night I had bought a nice set at a scratch and dent place - chocolate brown leather sofa, loveseat and recliner. I like it very much and it felt good to choose my own.
So I continue the journey. Trying to accept and really understand the fact that all is as it should be, that whatever I do or don't do on a given day is fine. My goal is to get to a point where I no longer beat myself up for what I should or shouldn't be doing. I just do and know that it's OK. And I will continue to crawl until I can run. It's a great day to be alive. Peace.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Happy Belated New Year!
On New Year's Day I thought "Wow, this is the first day of the rest of my life". Of course this set me to pondering about my life and what I'd like to create. I finished my last chemotherapy on Dec. 26th. I woke up that day with a head cold (my kids had been sick the previous week) and wondered if I should take chemo. Of course part of me screamed "don't do it" while the other part said "get it over with". The nurses said provided I didn't have a fever or headache I could still take it. Lucky me!
It went off without a hitch and I felt fine until Friday - 2 days later. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks and I was in bed thinking I was going to die. Each day I got a bit better but it's amazing how slow the body is to heal with all those nasty poisons going in. I didn't have so much nausea but I did develop a terrible rash on my hands that is only now starting to heal. After being in bed for 5 days I did venture out for New Years Eve and rang in the New Year with my beloved friend Tracy and her family and friends in their new home.
On New Years Day I took the girls to see the Met's production of Hansel and Gretel. We really enjoyed it, even more so than the Magic Flute that we saw last year. I love that the Met is now broadcasting via satellite their performances. I"m not sure I would have ever seen an opera otherwise.
Nausea came after New Years but is dissapating now as is the head cold. My goal for now is to rebuild my body and my strength. In speaking to one of my naturopath's he said I want you to go slow, rest, eat well and exercise. It all sounds so easy and there is a part of me that feels like I should be doing more. He said "Lisa I know you, you want to go out and conquer the world right away." And of course he is right, my life feels like it's been on hold for the last 8 months.
Today I exercised for the first time in months - other than walking when I can. I was winded easily and felt very out of shape. I know it will come in time but how frustrating it is. This is the first item on my list for the rest of my life. There are many more and I will share them as they come up.
It's cold, windy and rainy here. I'm off to take my dogs for a run on my bike with my husband. Then clean up my old van to ready for sale since I bought myself a new Honda Odyssey for Christmas with all the bells and whistles. It's a great day to be alive and I choose to live each moment today as if it is my last. Peace...
It went off without a hitch and I felt fine until Friday - 2 days later. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks and I was in bed thinking I was going to die. Each day I got a bit better but it's amazing how slow the body is to heal with all those nasty poisons going in. I didn't have so much nausea but I did develop a terrible rash on my hands that is only now starting to heal. After being in bed for 5 days I did venture out for New Years Eve and rang in the New Year with my beloved friend Tracy and her family and friends in their new home.
On New Years Day I took the girls to see the Met's production of Hansel and Gretel. We really enjoyed it, even more so than the Magic Flute that we saw last year. I love that the Met is now broadcasting via satellite their performances. I"m not sure I would have ever seen an opera otherwise.
Nausea came after New Years but is dissapating now as is the head cold. My goal for now is to rebuild my body and my strength. In speaking to one of my naturopath's he said I want you to go slow, rest, eat well and exercise. It all sounds so easy and there is a part of me that feels like I should be doing more. He said "Lisa I know you, you want to go out and conquer the world right away." And of course he is right, my life feels like it's been on hold for the last 8 months.
Today I exercised for the first time in months - other than walking when I can. I was winded easily and felt very out of shape. I know it will come in time but how frustrating it is. This is the first item on my list for the rest of my life. There are many more and I will share them as they come up.
It's cold, windy and rainy here. I'm off to take my dogs for a run on my bike with my husband. Then clean up my old van to ready for sale since I bought myself a new Honda Odyssey for Christmas with all the bells and whistles. It's a great day to be alive and I choose to live each moment today as if it is my last. Peace...
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