Divine Intervention?

What an interesting day. I went to see my oncologist today and after waiting an hour + to see her the first thing she said when she walked in is "Lisa my friend, it's divine intervention". I said "what do you mean?" and she said "Did you see the pathology report from your surgery? There is no way that a mammogram would have shown a .2mm cancer. I am so glad you took the breast." So is this another reminder from divine source that I am right where I need to be?

Boy do I need those reminders. I told my oncologist that I was prepared to do chemo but I was not happy and actually was terrified. I joked with her and said "Hey Doc it's nothing personal, I'm sure you are fabulous but I didn't want us to be such good friends and now it looks like we will be good friends." She laughed. I have to admit that when I cry she doesn't shut down and does touch my arm and says"I know." Can she really though?

The rest of my visit is a haze. I was so overwhelmed by the list of meds, etc that are used to treat all of the side effects from this, etc. and etc. Even to find out that depending on where I put my port a cath I may have to have blood thinners as well. Dr. Qs tip was to remember that this is just temporary but I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around it all. I feel so shell shocked and so numb right now.

First chemo is slated for 10/24 at 10:30am. I also found out that no one can sit back there with me. Wow, an opportunity to face all of my demons by myself. The week before chemo the port goes in. Blood work must be done always the day before or treatment can't be given. The day after I get a shot of Neulasta to keep white count up so I can get treatment again.

Dr. Q. has encouraged me to stay active and has said other than losing all body hair and naseau she can't really predict side effects. If I get a fever of 100.5 or higher I am supposed to go to ER right away. That seems contradictory. Chemo lowers your immune system and then if you are having an infection you should go to ER so you can pick up more cooties. Gofigure.

I think my beautiful son Stephen is struggling with all of this. It's hard enough to be 13 and then to deal with your Mom going through cancer treatment would be enough for anyone. We had a conversation yesterday and he seemed to be really hung up on me being bald. I think he's scared and doesn't know how to experess that. I was honest and discussed my reasons for changing my mind and doing chemo afterall. I do so want to be there to watch my children grow into the beautiful and capable geniuses that they are. I want to have grandchildren and share my story with the world. I want to make a difference so when I get to the end I know that I used it all up while I was here.

Got a beautiful card today from a friend. She said she has been hearing my name in different circles she frequents and is convinced that I have a very important mission to fulfill while I am here on earth. I hope she's right because at the moment I am fighting very hard to stay positive. I feel stretched to my capacity right now.

By the way. I am so willing to have people share their comments with me on my blog. However, I would greatly appreciate it if you would keep in mind that I don't have any space right now for negative energy. It's all I can do on some days to get out of bed and face the challenges the day holds for me. If I'm not handling this journey the way you want me to I apologize but this is afterall my journey and I must do it in the way I feel called to do. It's really not about you, this journey is all about me and I would appreciate it if you don't try to take that away from me. I'm working so hard to get the lessons. Bottom line, only post positive comments please. If you have negative to share please keep it to yourself right now or address me offline. Thank you for your understanding.

It's a great day to be alive. I hope you'll make it great. Peace