Travelling to the land of Chemotherapy

Well it's official I'm travelling to the land of Chemotherapy. I have fought this from the very beginning and quite frankly am still in shock. I had decided that whatever Dr. Link advised is what course of action I would take since he was so spot on about the mastectomies. Of course I knew when they found more cancer in the left breast they would say Chemo but honestly I was holding my breath hoping beyond hope that he might advise something else. How the hell did I get here? Frankly this is not what I expected to be doing at 41 going on 42 years of age. It really sucks and I am really scared. Chemo is a really crappy birthday present.

Links recommended chemo cocktail is CT - 1 treatment every 3 weeks for 4-6 treatments. Apparently in the standard of care world 8 treatments is the standard but there are new numbers coming out showing that less is more. He said if I handled the chemo well he'd like to see me do 6 rounds but honestly there aren't any numbers out about 4 vs. 6. How the hell can you handle chemo well, it's poison! It's not about losing the hair because I have plans to take charge of that area. It's about knowingly killing cells in my body. This is not the LisaB that I know and I can't believe I'm even agreeing to it. But the #s are suggestive. In women with 1-3 nodes positive the chance of a recurrance without chemo is 50%. Holy cow who wants to go through this more than 1x? With Chemo my chances of a recurrance drop statistically to 33%. With the hormonal therapy I drop down to the 19% statistical range. The reality is that none of us are statistics and there are no guarantees. But from a non-emotional, logical place how can I not do chemotherapy? Many women of all walks have done it and survived. Let's face it breast cancer is not a club you ask to join, it chooses you.

So don't be surprised if you hear me saying Bald is Beautiful. The reality is that I will loose all of my hair in all of it's places. Eyelashes and eyebrows too! I sure hope that my head is symmetrical and beautiful so I don't have to cover it up. Too bad it's winter and I won't have a need to show my hairless legs. On the other hand, a friend who has lived chemo shared that it raised her body temperature so perhaps doing this in winter is best. With the hormone shot to turn my ovaries off before I start chemo I'll probably be hot all the time. That'll be a change.

I sort of feel like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz to wake up in this strange place and wanting so badly to go home. Will I find that I too had the tools all along? Do I have super powers that I don't know about yet? Where will I find the strength to make this hard trek? To me this is even more daunting than going off into the wilderness by myself. I know that I am a survivor, a fighter as there is no other choice. While I am so grateful for the opportunity to grow it's challenging at times not to go to a dark place. I have some choice words about it all that I won't share right now.

But get ready cause I need you. I'll need all the love and support I've gotten to date plus more. Hold me in the white light, where my body is whole and healed, where I've let go of all the pain and I flow through chemotherapy. Keep my children and my husband in that light as well. Can we travel this road without any casualities? Only time will tell since there really isn't any other path for me at this time. I must live strong as there is no other choice.

I'm off to make plans, hair shaving parties, henna tatoos on my bald head, pretty hats and scarves to accessorize with, discussions with my oncologist about when and how to start, port vs. no port,people to ask for help during the weeks of chemo, schedules to coordinate ....You're in the Land of Oz Dorothy.

Despite all of this I would argue still that it's a great day to be alive! What are you doing today to make it a great day and what blessings are you forgetting to be grateful for in your life? Peace.