Well I've gone 21st century. I'm switching my blog from pink-link over to a blogger site so people will stop having trouble with reading my journal. I just have to figure out what I'm doing.
So Welcome to my blog - Designing My Own Life...One Woman's Journey. While I've started journalling to track my exerpience with breast cancer I can't help but believe that I will continue on with this pasttime even when cancer no longer consumes my life.
Today I've been thinking about extrordinary time. I've been living in this place since my surgery. Because I've given myself permission to heal and I have the permission of others as well there have been no expectations of me. I can lie in bed all day and no one really cares or gets mad. I've spent afternoons lying on my bed listening to the sound of nature in my yard, planes flying overhead, the chickens clucking, my children singing as they play and taking long and luxurious naps (when I can sleep well that is). This time is so different from being in linear time when kids have to be at a certain place at a certain time and I want to cram 10 other things in along the way. How would my life be different if I could live in E Time on a regular basis? How can I shape my life in the future so I get bits and pieces of this time in my daily life? A way to take a time out....like walking to a pond in nature and take a leisurely swim or sitting with a hot cup of coffee and watching the sun rise in all it's glory. I don't have any answers today. Sure I see the value of this but can I realistically work it into my life. Will I be consistent? If not, why?
Last night I ventured out to a function that was important to me. Stephen, Anna and I went to a BBQ for a Statesmanship Club that is forming in the valley. It was the first time I had ventured out for other than a Dr. appointment. It was a wierd experience. I had picked up a bit around the house earlier in the day and had of course overdone it. I was hurting and knowing that I was going out took some pain med. Well I took a bit too much and felt like I was in lala land. I walked around with a smile on my face and felt very day dreamy. I felt like my friends were looking at me funny and maybe they were. I was definitely in my own place. Now mind you I don't intend to go to this drug induced place regularly but can we get there without
drugs? Is this part of the path to finding extroardinary time?
While I was at this function I was asked a very interesting question by my hostess. First came the "how are you doing?" I'm always puzzled by how to really answer this question. How much do you really want to know? How much can you really handle? What will make me feel better saying? But the next question really threw me for a loop. The question was "How does it feel to have your private life be public. How does it feel to be the subject of emails?" Wow has my private life been too public? Have I been the subject of many emails without realizing it? And if this is the case is that bad? I've worked very hard to reach out and ask for help. This is not something that has come easily to me and I've been grateful and humbled by the love and support I've been shown. Should I hide behind closed doors? I realize that many of us endure our struggles in silence but is that a good thing? Is there a way that we can share the journey without being a downer? If we really talk about how it really is won't our life be more real and authentic? It's food for thought.
I'm healing, slow but sure. I hurt and often I get tired of the dull throbbing pain that is with me constantly. But I'm grateful. Having a double mastectomy was not nearly as hard as I thought it would be. I'm 12 days into my healing and hopeful that the throbbing will lessen and that this week I will make some choices about chemotherapy.
It's a great day to be alive. Fall is in the air in Las Vegas and it feels fabulous~LisaB.
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