Accepting My Limitations

Monday night I went to my first clinical Yoga class in Green Valley. While it felt so incredibly good to move my body I found myself being frustrated because I couldn't do all the moves. In fact at one point I found myself very pissed off thinking that I was only 41 years old and all of the "old" ladies in my class could do it but I couldn't. I tried very diligently to push myself but not to over extend myself. I met several other ladies in class who had been through a similar experience in that they had mastectomies and used the Yoga class to help heal. I will continue to attend this class and will try to be creative and see what other movement I can do in order to build up muscle tone and movement again.

Yesterday I went to Dr. Khiabani's for another "fill up". Unlike the first experience this one through me for a loop. I took another 100ccs in each breast. I now have 250ccs in each breast and this is considered an A cup. I wonder what I was before a 1/2 A?. 350ccs is a B cup. I hurt when I was finished with the fill ups. I thought about asking them to take some out but the needles had already been removed and I didn't really want to get poked again. Ecella gave me a prescription for muscle relaxants to use at night to help me sleep better. I thought about calling Greg to come and pick me up but didn't want to leave my car there so I drove home slowly but surely. By the time I got home I was in agonizing pain. I had dropped off my prescription for the muscle relaxants on the way home and thankfully the pharmacy was quick and called and said they were ready. Greg went to get them for me and I took half a pill and proceeded to fall asleep. I was so unprepared to be in so much pain. It felt like my skin was going to split open and aliens were going to walk out of my breasts.

At one point on the way home I thought a lot about whether it was worth of all of the energy and pain to have these breasts. For me, I came to the conclusion that it was, I wanted breasts. My poor chest skin was pulled so tight that it was white across the top portion of the breasts. Normally I would have 2-3 weeks to get used to the larger amount of fluid in the breasts before adding more but this is not possible when the plan gets expedited. I'm not sure yet if I'll get a fill up next week based on where I've been this week. If I do feel up to it I think I will ask for only 50ccs this time to try and lessen pain.

Needless to say I spent most of the day Tuesday in pain. It just plain hurt to move.
Today I was better but I still hurt quite a bit. I didn't take any muscle relaxants like yesterday but did do the Ibuprofen thing. I was so looking forward to driving the kids to a few of their activities this week but so far that hasn't happened. I had to scramble yesterday to cover a few things since I was down. And it was hard to admit that I was down.

It was a quiet day today. I slept in till 9 and after the kids were done with their school work they played outside until their math tutor came. I used this time to take a nap. Marieta came over this evening and did Reiki on me. I felt like I was resisting it the whole time but she said she could feel me sucking the energy and her hands were sweating from the heat. Reiki is a form of energy touch and I plan to use it to help with Chemo. Marieta said best way to do it is to have Reiki while you are getting chemo but I will plan on having it later that day to help balance the energy.

I guess what this all boils down to is accepting my limitations. I think there is a difference between being a limited person and accepting your limitations. I want so desperately to have my life back that I'm missing the fact that I have to find a new normal. Intellectually I realize there is no such thing as normal but I have so much guilt about so many things. Guilt about not being totally there for my kids, guilt about needing so much help and asking other busy people to serve me, guilty that I'm sleeping part of my life away and guilt that I'm in this place where I don't always know what I need. Some days are an emotional roller coaster ride. Yesterday I wanted to curl up in a ball but I can't even do that. Reality is that I can't move my body like I used to but that doesn't mean this will be the case forever. Reality is that expansion is painful and that is part of the process to get new boobs. Reality is that I don't have the same amount of energy right now, I feel very ebby and low.

So....I commit to accepting my limitations. To be gentle and loving with myself and accept that I am doing the best that I can. I commit to allowing my body the rest that it needs. I will go slow and try not to be frustrated that I can't move as fast as I'd like. Our bodies are such an incredible gift, truly a temple from creator. I am so grateful for my body and know that on some level it's been through hell and back and more energy is needed in order for it to finish healing itself.

All I know is that it's a great day to be alive. I'm so very grateful for all of the opportunities to grow and expand and learn from my life's journey despite the pain. Make it a great day. Peace.