I commit to growth!

I haven't posted in a few days. As I've started to feel better I've been trying to integrate into life a bit more. I still struggle with overdoing it. That seems to be a common theme in my life. Wonder why I just can't get that one? Yesterday the girls and I ran a few errands and by the time I got home I hurt so badly I was done for the day. It's that elusive balance thing. I've been so tired in the evenings that I haven't had the energy to journal.

Today I spoke to my OB about my hormonal therapy. We discussed the shot of Lupron to put my ovaries to sleep. She indicated that she is only comfortable doing the shots for 6 months since Lupron is normally used for endometrosis. After a lengthy discussion I got her to agree to give me the shot and then said that I was sure others were using the Lupron for longer periods of time and if she was ameniable I would work with her and Dr. Q. to find a solution long term. I figure this gets me through Chemo and in the meantime I can dig for more info and try to talk to Dr. Link. I definitely feel like my home team here is more on a C level while my Plastic surgeon and Dr. Link are A level players. It gives me a whole different feeling working with the A level than the C level players. I was frustrated no doubt by this event but feel confident that I will find a solution - I always do. It's a bump in the road so to speak but I can overcome it.

Tonight I went to a Breast Cancer Support Group meeting. I didn't rest enough today and I hurt but I felt like I really needed to go. The challenge that I have in "real life" is that I'm consumed by this thing at the moment. I eat it, breathe it and sleep it. Issues are always on my mind = things I have to research, questions, possibilities. I so needed to connect with other women who understand this. It's not my intention to have it consume my life but it does. There was a new gal there who had ovarian cancer 3 years ago, a mastectomy in August for DCIS and now has a nodule on her thryoid that is being watched closely. Despite my angst about Chemo I felt so grateful that her experience helped me put mine in perspective. It could be so much worse and I'm so grateful that it's not.

Here's the reality. I don't want to be defined by breast cancer. I choose to grow from this experience. So many things in our lives define us and often we make a lateral move from 1 definition to another. I want to break out of this and move beyond. I choose to experience all of the emotions; the fear, the pain, the sorrow, the gratitude, the joy and to push beyond those boundaries to become a better woman. Yesterday I ordered a plaque for myself that says, "She didn't just survive, she became.". This is what I choose for myself. I intend to become more of me, a better version of me, a more joyful version of me, a funnier version of me, a more grateful version of me.

Tommorrow morning early I see Dr. Khiabani. He talked about doing a fill up. We'll see. I have questions about my port, about how my reconstruction will be affected by turning off the estrogen from my ovaries since this affects skin elasticity. I'd like to have some saline added before I start chemo so it can sit a while but I don't want to go overboard since I still feel tender and sore. We'll see what he thinks and go from there. I keep thinking perhaps a partial fill won't be bad.

I also spoke to the chemo nurse at Dr. Qs today. I asked her about taking Glutamine to help prevent necropsy (numbness of hands and feet), a side effect of chemo. I've been told that with the Glutamine you need to already be taking it prior to chemo. If you start it after the condition arises then it's no good. I explained to Bootsie, the nurse that I was looking for alternative ways to combat side effects. Explained that I knew some of these were anecedotal but many people have seemed to have good results. She seemed inspired by my question and when we were done she said she was going to look into other things for me. She also said they have some pretty chemo caps and to remind her so I can get a few at my first treatment to help keep my head warm when I loose my hair. The baldness and loss of body hair is a sure thing with the taxotere. The only body hair that they weren't sure about was nostril hair. Go figure.

I guess the bottom line is I need to trust the process. I don't have to like it but the more I trust it the easier it will be for me. So I commit today to trusting that all is well in this area. I am so grateful for my life and my journey. Thank you Beloved God! It's a great day to be alive. As the song says, "I hope you dance." Peace.