No Fear

Yesterday I went to see Dr. Khiabani. We chatted for a while and he indicated that because I was going to be shutting down my ovaries and doing chemo he wanted to try and fill me up ASAP. He said estrogen is key in skin elasticity so we wanted to stretch skin as much as possible before the adventure begins. I have to admit that I was scared. His nurse came in and filled me up, 100cc on each side. My breasts are probably as big now as they were before surgery. I felt great after. There was something about the fact that the balloon was filled out that took some of the pressure off of my chest.

I saw a picture of the balloon that is the tissue expander. It was neat how they find the port. They have a magnetic device that is a kind of pendulum. They run it over your chest and the pendulum moves. When they hit the right spot the pendulum stops moving and hangs dead center between 2 cross hairs. They press this into your skin to make a mark and then disinfect and spray a local just in case you have sensation in the area. When they stick the needle in you feel a bit of pressure. It wasn't really hard. I took first 50ccs no problem. It wasn't until the 2nd 50 about halfway that I started to feel pressure. They only had 10ccs left when I said "Wow I can' really feel that.". I told them to finish it up.

My beautiful friend Katie said that she thought it would be great if we can make them bigger and smaller at will. For example going out on a hot date - fill em up. Going to the gym to work out and don't want bounce factor take some out. I love her sense of humor and think many women would be on the same page with Miss Katie!

Driving home from this appointment I thought about how scared I had been. Part of it I'm sure was the fact that I didn't know what to expect. But in reality I felt better after. How much of my life is like this? How often do I make things more scary than they really are because I don't know what to expect? I certainly did this with the MRI when I was sweating bullets and then after I thought that wasn't bad.

Anna and I baked cookies together. I paid for it later because I really hurt but it was so nice to do a "normal" Mom thing with my almost 8 year old. The cookies were good too. Called Legal Cookies they are from my new cookbook. They are a healthy version of thumbprint cookies made with spelt, oats and almond flour. I used organic strawberry jam. Yum - I did not feel quilty eating these at all.

While Steven was at Boy Scouts and Katie was at rehearsal Anna and I watched a documentary on the life of Buddha. His story was quite interesting. Did you know that he didn't leave the walls of the castle until the age of 29? He didn't formally renounce his family until 35. He was a late bloomer for sure. Anyway during his enlightenment (40 days of meditating and fasting) he discovered the 4 Noble Truths:
1. All humans suffer - it is a part of our existence
2. We must discover the cause of this suffering and in order to so must look deeply within without any fear.
3. Suffering can be removed if we find the cause
4. Once suffering is removed we are free from fear and can live in happiness.

I thought this all tied in so nicely to what I had been pondering on earlier. Fear. How much does it pervade my life? How much does it influence my decisions without my realizing it? How does it hold me back? How do I live a life with No Fear?

Had a rough night. Woke up at 1am hurting profoundly and had trouble going back to sleep. Took ibuprofen and did a rife machine treatment for pain and that helped some. I can feel the skin stretching as a kind of pressure. I have to say that I am so amazed at my bodies ability to do all the things it does.

Gotta run. Have an 11:30am with a naturopathic doctor on the other side of town. I'm looking forward to meeting her and hearing her point of view. It's a great day to be alive and I am so grateful for my beautiful life. Do something nice for yourself today and remember to be gentle with those you meet - we all have our own suffering. Peace.