We awoke here in Las Vegas to beautiful rain. Actually it had been raining all night. Have you ever noticed that you sleep deeply and longer when it rains? I love going outside into nature and smelling the rain. My kids inform me that it smells so good not because the rain has washed all the dirt and dust away but because the rain actually opens up the spores that have been silently waiting for the rain. Whatever the case, the desert is so beautiful after a good, deep rain (a rarity here in Las Vegas) and I sense that the spring flowering will be extra beautiful this year because of this good rain.
The rain also reminds me of what Anne says in Anne of Green Gables. "Tommorrow is a new day without any mistakes in it." Reality is that each day is a new day and we can take a do over at any time we choose - In the moment, in the hour, in the day, in the month and in the year. But somehow the rain really makes it feel new and fresh. For me the do over is about finding peace amid chaos. I've learned that I'm not good with chaos because chaos means being out of control. I hate being out of control, it's not ordered at all. I've become painfully aware of several things in the last few weeks. 1) I carry a knot around in my body where ever I go, this knot is not a good thing and 2) I've been struggling with the emptiness that I feel now that my life is not laser focused on cancer treatment.
For the last 8 months I've known exactly what I am supposed to be doing. I was either researching my diagnosis, getting second opinions, getting surgeries or having various treatments. That is all over and while I will continue to make some decisions about drugs, etc. most of that is over now. There's been an incredible emptiness that has come with that. My time is my own again and how do I want to spend it. I have striven to keep my calendar open, not quite as open as it was when I was undergoing chemo, but more open than it was before. Time to read, to ponder, to read aloud to my kids, time to be.
In this emptiness I've decided to sit. Knowing that this is a time of transition and shifting and it's OK not to know at this exact moment where my path will lead next.
In addition, I've decided that I must find a regular spiritual practice that will help me release the knot I carry around on a daily basis. This practice is something that I'm committed to doing whether I feel like it or not. The knot was gone while I underwent treatment but it's amazing how quickly it came back afterwards. Perhaps much of it is stress but nonetheless it's disconcerting and brought up many fears that I hadn't gotten the lessons that cancer was supposed to teach me. I so want to get those lessons for I choose a different path for the future - one that doesn't include cancer.
For me Yoga has always been a moving meditation, something very spiritual and energizing, so right now Yoga makes the most sense for me. I'm happy to report that I've been on the mat 6 days this week in addition to doing some walking and some cardio workouts as well. I found a great online site www.myyogaonline.com. It's a site where I can pay $10 per month (that's less than one yoga class) and take all kinds of yoga classes via my laptop. What I really like about it too is that many of the classes are 20 -40 mintues. This is doable in this homeschooling Mom's life. I've been on the mat upon awaking and before retiring. Much of my mat time has been after 9pm after I've tucked the kids in and had a few minutes in the spa to relax my tired muscles. And yet I've managed to be in bed with lights out by 10pm every night this week so I'm getting 9 hours of sleep per night.
And you know what? That knot is not as big since I've been on the mat. My body is hurting because it's being strengthened and moving in new ways. Also it's still healing from surgery and treatment so it complains often but it feels so good to be moving again. I'm very aware that moving my body this way as well as having great cardio health is very much a part of my future. I took this for granted in the past and choose not to do so in the future. I'd have to say that cancer has given me a new appreciation for my beautiful body.
Since it's Sunday, the girls and I went to a new church. We've been shopping for a new church ever since out little church called Barefoot Ministries disbanded several months ago. We revisited the UU church here (we'd checked it out when we first moved here), Church of Religious Science and today we went to the Unity Church of the desert. What a nice energy this church had and the best part is that they have 5-7 young adults that attend services and the RE program there. The reality for me is that I can get what I need at many churches but I'm looking for a church that has a program for my youth. A program that helps them explore who they are, what they believe in and where they stand. A program that will give them the footing they need to stand strong in life. Moreover, I want a program that I don't have to be in charge of since I'm the primary teacher at home. I think we'll be back to this church so we can check it out further.
All in all it's a great day to be alive. The rains have cleansed not only the desert but me as well. I look forward to the spring as I continue to bloom on my journey.
Peace.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment