The Ugly Duckling Phase...

I've decided that this part of my life is the Ugly Duckling phase. I'm still creating the life I want but there are definite growing pains. For example, my hair is growing back but it seems to me that it's only about 1/3 of what it was before. Greg lovingly calls it the Addis condition. My hair is so thin that you can see my scalp no matter what...talk about looking like my dad - sorry Grandpa Frank but it's true. I also have a lot more gray hairs than I did before and the grays are growing faster than the rest of the hair. In talking to some other women it can take up to 3 months for the hair to really come in and even then there are no guarantees. Apparently one of the chemo drugs that I took (the taxatere) can cause permanent hair loss. While that is not what I choose once again this is unknown territory. When I look in the mirror I am a different woman on many levels. Who am I?

I'm also finding at this stage that I have to crawl when I want to run. We started back up our homeschooling and activities this week. Of course the kids expect me to be 100% but I'm finding that difficult. In their minds chemo is over so what is the problem. My mission is to figure out how to balance mindfully caring for myself verses facilitating the support that the kids need. I had days this week where I did well and other days where I did not do this well at all. All of the helping with schoolwork, household responsibilities, running to activities and general life distractions were too much and I went to bed thinking that I hadn't balanced well that particular day.

I also tried exercising this week. Wow - use it or lose it is so true! My body ached and groaned in ways I haven't experienced in a long time. 25 minutes was a lot for me. I could feel my tissue expanders with every move I made. My arms quivered with each push up I attempted. I was out of breath. It felt good to move but I decided that I have to work into the daily exercise routine. I tried doing every other day and was good until I had a relapse of my bronchial infection later in the week.

And then we all got sick. It started on Thursday when my son complained that he was tired and achy. Before I knew it everyone had a mild flu and I was coughing again. For me it's the same upper respiratory infection that I had after my last chemo. Not as bad as last time but definitely enough to slow me down. And admittedly while I know that physically I have to go slower that pisses me off. My life had been on hold for the last 8 months while I dealt with that "C" thing. Now I want to run. But the reality of it all is that the last 8 months have been my life and perhaps I need to change my thinking and realize that this hasn't been a detour at all but a turning point in my life.

I did move some major chi this week. Greg bought me a new Honda Odyssey minivan for Christmas and I sold my old van on Monday. Posted it on Craig's list and had someone drive all the way from Bullhead City, AZ to buy it. Had been planning on using that $ to buy new furniture for the family room so by that night I had bought a nice set at a scratch and dent place - chocolate brown leather sofa, loveseat and recliner. I like it very much and it felt good to choose my own.

So I continue the journey. Trying to accept and really understand the fact that all is as it should be, that whatever I do or don't do on a given day is fine. My goal is to get to a point where I no longer beat myself up for what I should or shouldn't be doing. I just do and know that it's OK. And I will continue to crawl until I can run. It's a great day to be alive. Peace.