Shifting Sands....

It's been a hard week. We were hit hard by the respiratory infection that we all got last week. The flu like symptoms that hit on Thursday last week moved into cough, stuffy nose and general cold like stuff. By Tuesday I thought we were never going to get better and felt so bad that my kids sounded like barking seals and everything I was doing was not making a difference. Just when I was at my whits end though we awoke Wednesday to everyone sounding so much better, the coughs sounding looser and I knew we had seen the light at the end of the tunnel. Isn't that the way life is though? When we start to loose hope something will shift for us and we see the path again.

I keep forgetting this truth. I've been struggling with life - where am I, what am I supposed to feel and what am I supposed to be doing? My focus was so narrow for so long there is a kind of let down now that the hardest stuff is over. I've climbed the mountain and while I am still navigating my way down the hardest part is over. So I'm struggling. Of course reality is that I am supposed to be being not doing but I'm not good at that part of life. I've become better but I've got ways to go.

Yesterday I saw Dr. Q. My first visit with the oncologist since last chemo. Everything looks good. My blood count is better than last time, on the low side of normal. This would account for why I still feel so tired and have to be careful but compared to where I've been and what my body has gone through I am doing so well. My hemoglobin was at 11, my baseline is 14. It will take time for my body to get back to that place but it will in time. Dr. Q. talked up the Tamoxifen and suggested that I go off the Lupron. She indicated that part of my problems are the lack of estrogen in my body - there is none period - we've turned it off at the faucett. She indicated that Tamoxifen would allow the estrogen to be in the body but would block it from attaching to cancer cells. I'm not sure I buy her story at this point because many women that I've talked to who are taking it have some problems I'm having.

When I had my blood drawn on Wednesday in prep for seeing the Doc I also had the blood drawn for the Amplichip test. This is sent out to specialty labs so it will take about 2 weeks to get the results of this test. I asked Dr. Q. to call me when test results came in so I had time to research before I see her next month. She laughed and said I know. Tamoxifen has such nasty side affects - uterine cancer, blood clots. Meanwhile she has ordered the port to be removed and I am awaiting an appointment. I think I will take the sedative this time since the insertion was so much harder than I expected.

I'm hopeful that next week I will be able to breathe well enough to try exercising again. Perhaps the key is keeping my calendar with lots of open spots so I have time to rest and find a new rhythm. I long for a great yoga class.

My beloved friend Deborah reminded me today that whenever we are shifting in our life it's normally to feel funky and unsure. I have gone through an incredible adventure and the shifts are momentous I'm sure. Perhaps part of this process is allowing time to sort through them. I'll ponder on that a bit longer I think.

It's a great day to be alive. So much and so many to be grateful for. Tommorrow morning the kids and I go to watch the Republican caucus and see what it's all about. Peace.